Compiled News 10-5-05

Like a hail of off-color bullets, the strange entertainment news just keeps coming this morning. We've got death, divorces, sex and live theatre, OH MY!

NIPSEY RUSSELL IS DEAD

JESSICA SIMPSON AND NICK LACHEY GET A SWEET DIVORCE!
(Finally, some GOOD news...especially for Nick)

BRITNEY SPEARS HAS A SWEET SEX TAPE!
(I hope she's 8 months preggers in it and eating cheetos)

YEARS AFTER RELEASE, SHOWGIRLS FINALLY WINS AWARD
(Along with plenty of other crapfest sex scenes... Thanks, God.)

ORPAH IS PRODUCING A "Color Purple" MUSICAL!
(Somewhere Spielberg is spinning in his grave... err... wait)

JULIA ROBERTS TO ACT...LIVE!
(This is obviously a play about a horse, otherwise she couldn't play the lead, could she?)

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TO ACT...IN LONDON!
(Thanks, Kevin Spacey. You've taken it upon yourself to give Justin Timberlake the kind of credibility that N'Sync couldn't provide him)

LOHAN CONTINUES TO BE A REALLY BAD DRIVER
(It must be nice to blame "Paparazzi" for being a shitty cocaine-addicted driver)

BOND DIRECTOR TALKS
(A younger Bond = younger bond girls = wait... didn't this guy direct the new Zorro movie?)

NEW DISASTER MOVIE TO BE AN OLD DISASTER MOVIE
(Roland likes to blow things up, but how well will he do it with sticks and rocks?)



-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep