Compiled News 1-17-06

Scroll down to get your GLOBE on. Here's the news:

KID FROM "BEETHOVEN" SERIES IS SUICIDAL AND MISSING, PARENTS SCOLDED FOR FINALLY SHOWING HIM "BEETHOVEN".

CONAN O'BRIEN HAS POLITICAL POWER...IN FINLAND. SERIOUSLY.

"CAPOTE" WHINES AND WADDLES ITS WAY TO DVD ON MARCH 14TH.

AFTER 2 YEARS, THE NEXT 20 EPISODES OF "THE SOPRANOS" WILL BE THE LAST. 12 NOW, 8 IN 2007. DO PEOPLE STILL WATCH THAT SHOW? NOT FOR 2 YEARS, I GUESS.

U2 CAUSES BRAZILIAN PILE-UP, THE EDGE STILL SAD ABOUT THAT GUITAR IN NEW ORLEANS.

GIVING UP ON BIG NAME ACTRESSES, THE CHICK FROM "TROY" MIGHT JUST BE THE NEW BOND GIRL, BUT THEN AGAIN, WHO CARES?

EMPIRE ONLINE HAS THE "200". I THINK IT'S SOME SORT OF POLL, BUT WILL WE EVER TRULY KNOW?

"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" TRIES TO QUIT YOU IN MARCH.

TIM ROBBINS WANTS TO ADAPT "1984" FOR FILM, BIG BROTHER CONTINUES STARING AT HIS WIFE'S BOOBS.

TIRED OF GETTING AN EDUCATION IN ACTING AND WANT TO JUST JUMP RIGHT IN WITH THE REST OF THE TALENTLESS HACKS? STARZ & REVOLUTION STUDIOS HAS A DEAL FOR YOU!

JASON STATHAM AND JET LI TO RETEAM TO KICK EACH OTHER'S ASSES, "ROGUE" STYLE.

FIRST PICKS FROM EMILIO ESTEVEZ'S "BOBBY", STARRING A HOBBIT AND A CRACK BABY.

ALICIA KEYS, HAVING TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS TO WRITE GOOD SONGS, HAS DECIDED TO GO INTO THE T.V. & MOVIE BUSINESS.

BRITNEY MURPHY, TIRED OF NOT BEING ENGAGED AGAIN, GETS A RING FROM SOME GUY, UNTIL HE, TOO, REALIZES THAT THE SEX ISN'T WORTH THE EVERPRESENT STENCH OF BOTH EMINEM & ASHTON KUTCHER.

"RENT" JUMPS OVER THE MOON IN FEBRUARY.

SOME DRUG-ADDLED TALENTLESS "SINGERS" NEVER LEARN. PETE DOHERTY ARRESTED AGAIN FOR DRUGS, RIGHT AFTER PLEADING GUILTY TO LAST MONTH'S CHARGE. KATE MOSS SEEN HIDING HER STASH.

GOD COSTS THE WB TOO MUCH MONEY. "7TH HEAVEN" TAKES THE RAP.

That's it, kids. Enjoy yourselves.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep