Compiled News 12-08-05

Thursday. The news is at hand:

GRAMMYS NOMINATIONS GO TO TALENTLESS HACKS, AS USUAL.

MPAA GIVES MOVIE ABOUT ITSELF AN NC-17.

WHO NEEDS "THE TERMINATOR" WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THE VOICE OF THE CHICKEN IN "CHICKEN RUN"?

CARTOON NETWORK BROUGHT DOWN IN LONG ISLAND, ADULT SWIM MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE NOW.

GEORGE CLOONEY HAS FRIENDS THAT AREN'T BRAD PITT AND MATT DAMON.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS NO MORE BILL HICKS TO KICK AROUND, HERE'S SOME.

VALDERRAMA BETS A PONCH IN THE HEAD.

JOBLO GIVES YOU THE TOP 10 SNL ALUMS....EVER! ODDLY, I DON'T SEE ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL OR JULIA LOUIS DREYFUSS...WHAT GIVES?

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN, THEY FINALLY GAVE A NAME TO "PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3", SO NOW YOU WON'T LOSE ANYMORE SLEEP IN YOUR JAIL CELL.

DR. SEUSS' "HORTON HEARS A WHO" GETS THE FEATURE TREATMENT...NO WORD YET ON WHETHER TWEEDLE BEETLES IN PADDLE BATTLE WILL GET A GREENLIGHT.

CBGB GETS ANOTHER YEAR, PLANS TO LEAVE STENCH OF JOEY RAMONE BEHIND FOR GOOD MEASURE.

NICOLE RITCHIE AND SOME GUY BREAK UP.

SORRY BOYS, KEN WATANABE IS OFF THE MARKET...BUT HE MARRIED A JAPANESE WOMAN, SO NOW MAYBE YOU'LL SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT THE CASTING IN "MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA".

POOR NICK NOLTE... HE WASN'T EVEN HOME THREE YEARS AGO WHEN A GIRL DECIDED SHE WANTED TO MAKE HEADLINES AND MONEY AT SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPENSE.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep