Compiled News 11-9--05

Once again, it's raining in California... I thought this place was climate controlled.

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Here's the news...

"DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" FUGITIVE KICKED OFF SHOW, HIGH-FIVES MARTIN LAWRENCE.

CBS TO GET MORE "SURVIVOR", CLEARLY THE ONLY T.V. SHOW WITH THE BALLS TO ABANDON A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ON AN ISLAND FOREVER, AMERICA WISHES IT COULD CHOOSE THE PEOPLE.

"THE WEATHER CHANNEL" DECIDES THE WEATHER ISN'T FUNNY ENOUGH, HIRE LEWIS BLACK.

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS HAS A TINY DICK, TERRIBLE TENNIS PLAYERS DON'T SEEM TO MIND.

CAMERON CROWE IS CHANGING HIS BUSINESS...THE ONION KNOWS...

THINK YOU KNOW "OFFICE SPACE"? TAKE THIS QUIZ AND FEEL STUPID, OR JUST WATCH SOME BREAST EXAMS ON T.V.

MEL BROOKS TELLS THE L.A. TIMES WHY HE'S STILL FUNNIER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.

HOWARD STERN SUSPENDED FOR TALKING UP SIRIUS RADIO, INFINITY DECIDES TO MAKE HIM EVER MORE STUPIDLY POPULAR THAN HE ALREADY IS. GOOD WORK, JACKASSES.

NEW "BOURNE" FILM FINALLY GETTING MADE, POSSIBLY ALLOWING JOAN ALLEN TO PAY THE RENT.

IN ANOTHER STROKE OF SARCASTIC GENIUS, HOLLYWOOD TO TACKLE REMAKING "ROBOCOP", BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING ELSE HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE.

TEACHER LIKES "SNAPE" FROM "POTTER" AS TEACHER ROLE-MODEL, OBVIOUSLY CAN'T READ.

LETO AND LOHAN TO MARRY? PLACE BETS ON HOW MANY ULTRA-THIN, CRACKED-OUT, LIGHTLY BEARDED BABIES SHE'LL POP OUT.

KIRSTIE ALLEY NO LONGER "FAT ACTRESS", STILL FAT.

That's it. Take a break. Hide from your boss. Live a little.

I'll be back with another hate-fueled movie review a little later today, and maybe some comics. Suckers.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep