A History Of Poo

I generally write reviews on films that haven't come out yet, but a particularly overcast Saturday last week, I decided to go to our mostly Hispanic $2 theater to catch up on some movies.

There were a lot to choose from, so, in hindsight, I chose trash.

I saw A History Of Violence, starring Viggo "not carrying a sword" Mortensen and Maria "I'll take my clothes off for $1 and some blow" Bello, first.

If you haven't seen this film yet, do yourself a favor and re-watch any movie you hate... twice... and you'll be there.

This film is not only poorly shot, directed and edited, but the acting ain't that great either.

This "art film" is three movies in one, and they're all bad. It's like Scorsese made another, shorter Gangs of New York, only without so many screaming actors.

The first half of the film, where you wonder if Viggo is really this guy they keep saying he is, is pretty good. Could he be?!? Can it be true?!?

Then the second half is just Cronenberg remembering how he likes to have people killed obnoxiously, and it completely destroys any building structure he might have had.

The third "movie" in this is the story of the son. He is a good kid. He gets picked on. He snaps. Several times. Does he learn anything? What the HELL IS GOING ON?!?

There, now you know the movie. It moves from decent thriller to going-nowhere subplot to ridiculous climax in about an hour and a half. The editing was choppy and slow, the direction was mind-numbingly boring, and there is a scene of arguable rape that leads to nothing but making me hate the characters even more.

When I walked out of the film, I tried to like it. I tried to talk myself into believing that it was a taut little thriller about knowing those you love and what you might do for your family, if you have to, even if it means reverting back to something you aren't anymore.

But it's not.

It's a slapped together movie about giving Viggo a gun and having him kill people. We never learn anything about his past, really, nor do we learn about what his family thinks. He just does stuff and there are awkward silences and blood.

These critics that rave about this film are all idiots, and I'm not afraid to say so. Just because it has violence, nudity and Ed Harris, doesn't make it good. By the end of the film, it's just silly, and people in the whopping 20-person audience were laughing out loud or talking at full volume to each other, and I'm pretty sure most of them didn't even speak English.

I'll never believe Viggo is a hardass without a horse or a sword, just like I'll never believe Orlando Bloom is a leading man. It's the curse of the Ring.

William Hurt, you are the worst shot I have ever seen. To miss a man with an automatic pistol five times from a yard away is insane. No wonder other actors laugh at you. Shame on you.

Cronenberg, I like some of your stuff. But you're not fooling me with this slapdash piece of bullshit. You may be able to fool quite a few folks with this steaming pile, but not me, friend. I'll always know the truth.

So yeah, the movie sucks. 2 out of 10 sheep. Even Daredevil got a 3. Don't get any on your shoes.

Worst comic book movie EVER. (Yes, I know it was based on a graphic novel. Maybe if I had that $2 back, I'd spend it on the paper version) Super Mario Brothers and Double Dragon are FAR superior films. Seriously.

I'll be back tomorrow with a review of the other movie that stole $2 and 2 hours from me.

Disagree? Leave a comment or live with the fact that I'm always right.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep