The Fug

Continuing my tirade against crap movies, after I saw A History Of Violence, I thought I would check out The Fog, since it was only $2 and John T. Chance still produced it. Sure glad I did that.

I LOVE JOHN CARPENTER MOVIES. EVEN THE BAD ONES.

Now you know where I stand.

The original film upon which this one was loosely based scared the piss out of me when I was a kid. Just like the original Halloween, with my father telling me the Boogeyman was real. Thanks, Pop.

It told a solid little story about people getting punished for the sins of their fathers. Good for them. Hal Holbrook was awesome. Adrienne Barbeau was awesome. Jamie Lee Curtis was awesome, if random.

This new version is NOT awesome.

I understand that there are no new ideas in Hollywood. I live here. It just troubles me that if you make a movie based on another movie, your new movie should improve on the crap effects the original had, and maintain an homage quality.

Instead, what we get are dumbed down plots and romances thrown in because the ghosts have to have more of a reason to do what they're doing? Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?!?

Selma Blair, in the Barbeau role, is useless. She's not even in the film much, and has absolutely no air of nobility or sexuality. She's a kid with a kid, and who gives a shit?

Tom Welling did an OK job for a pretty-boy sailor who gets to bag every girl in town. And Maggie Grace...well...Maggie Grace is just another pretty face to soil the quality of what this entire film was based upon. If it wasn't for her "character", I wouldn't be nearly as mad about this film.

In the original, a kid finds a plank of wood, and thus begins the mystery. In this, everybody is finding trinkets and hairbrushes and ghostly used condoms and whatever. It's worthless.

The filmmakers were very fond of their CGI, and it looked OK, but the old comment of "things are scarier if you don't know what they are" always holds true. I don't want to see life on the boat. I don't want to see all the lovely faces of the plague-ridden passengers. I don't want to see "guy with cane" waltzing around in place of "shadow of guy with hook for a hand".

AND I WANT THE ENDING OF THE ORIGINAL BACK. I don't want to feel good for the bad guys. I already do, because they got dicked over. I don't want reuniting of lost love and other Shakespearean bullshit. This is a GHOST STORY. TRY TO SCARE ME!

There aren't even any cheap scares.

The smell of this movie still lingers in my clothes. SuperTide with SuperBleach isn't going to help me. Much like the remake of Amityville, if you've never seen the original, unfortunately, people will probably think this isn't terrible.

But it is.

THE DIRECTOR, Rupert Wainwright, DIRECTED M.C. HAMMER VIDEOS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Just knowing that is the scariest thing about the film. If they had just broken into "2 Legit 2 Quit" at some point, I would have shut my filthy mouth!

However, it's better than A History of Violence, but it only gets a 3 out of 10 Sheep. That is a lot of missing sheep. Maybe they got lost in the fug of the fog.

Still stinking,

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep