Compiled News 1-31-06

Welcome to the last day of January. Where does the time go?

It goes to the NEWS:

R.I.P. CORETTA SCOTT KING

OSCAR NOMINATIONS ANNOUNCED, AND "IT'S HARD OUT THERE FOR A PIMP"!

AND WHAT WOULD THE OSCAR NOMS BE WITHOUT FOLLOWING IT UP WITH "THE RAZZIE" NOMS? NOTHING, I'M TOLD. NOTHING. CHOOSE THE WORST OF 2005!

CLOONEY, WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TO THE OSCARS, MAKES HISTORY.

OSCAR TREND CONTINUES TO BE TRENDY, SAYS SMART GUY.

THE COOLEST DISCUSSION YOU'LL READ ALL YEAR. A ROUNDTABLE WITH SPIELBERG, LEE, MILLER, HAGGIS & CLOONEY. GET ON IT.

READ THIS GUY'S COLUMN AT COMIC BOOK RESOURCES...HE SAYS THERESA RUSSELL IS PLAYING "THE BLACK CAT" IN "SPIDER-MAN 3". HOW MANY LOVE INTERESTS CAN POOR PETER PARKER HAVE IN ONE MOVIE? AND HOW MANY HEROES / VILLAINS CAN WE JAM INTO THIS THIRD EPIC?

GOLDEN GLOBES DECIDE TO ADD ANOTHER NOMINATION TO THEIR QUEST FOR MEDIOCRITY.

WHEN IN NEED OF A ROMANTIC COMEDY, PLEASE TURN YOUR ATTENTION TO DREW BARRYMORE & HUGH GRANT...AND THUS "MUSIC & LYRICS BY..." IS BORN.

JENNA ELFMAN MAKES TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO TELEVISION, CAN FINALLY EAT AGAIN. IT'S HARD BEING A SIT-AT-HOME AWESOME. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO BE AN AS-SEEN-ON-T.V.-AWESOME. AND YES, WE'VE JUST MADE AWESOME A NOUN.

DOES NO ONE BUT WE AT THE SHEEP FIND IT ODD THAT LINDSAY LOHAN WAS SHOWERING AT BRYAN ADAMS' HOUSE?

That's the brunt of it, folks. See you in February.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-28 & 29 &30-06

So the SAGS are over, and the OSCARS will get announced tomorrow morning... I only have two things to say... I'm glad that nobody is giving a shit about A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE and WHY COULDN'T THEY PUT CHRIS PENN IN THE "THESE ARE THE DEAD ACTORS THIS YEAR" THING? If I was SEAN PENN, I'd mope about and be really moody.

Here's the news:

MARSHALL FOOTBALL MOVIE MAKES DARK HORIZONS, CONFIRMS MCG AS DIRECTOR, MACOGNAGOGNEY AS STAR.

MARSHALL FOOTBALL MOVIE ALSO MAKES JOBLO.

MARSHALL MOVIE ALSO MAKES MOVIEINSIDER.

PLAYWRIGHT WENDY WASSERSTEIN TAKES HER HEIDI CHRONICLES TO HEAVEN.

CRUISER GETS A RAZZIE NOD, ALONG WITH THESPIANS FARRELL & SCHNEIDER.

JUST JARED'S GOT THE FIRST "SPIDER-MAN 3" PRODUCTION SHOTS!

"BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 2" MAKES STUPID MONEY, FOLLOWED BY "NANNY MCPHEE", AS JANUARY / FEBRUARY MOVIES CONTINUE TO SUCK.

SEQUEL NEWS ON "FANTASTIC FOUR", "INDY 4" AND "BATMAN 4"...ERR..."BATMAN BEGINS AGAIN" OR WHATEVER.

ANDY SERKIS JOINS THE STAR-STUDDED CHRIS NOLAN FLICK "THE PRESTIGE"!

GOT A HORROR SCRIPT? WANNA BE FAMOUS? CLICK HERE. SERIOUSLY.

RICHARD GERE AND HALLE BERRY ARE FULL OF PUDDING.

MULDER TO DIRECT "BUCKY F*CKING DENT".

NEW "FRIDAY THE 13TH" MOVIE COMING THIS OCTOBER. LOCK UP YOUR SLEEPING BAGS AND MACHETES.

JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED AND TEEN TITANS GET CANNED, CARTOON NETWORK HATES YOU.

"OMEN 666" TRAILER HITS, AND LITTLE KIDS EVERYWHERE GET A NEW HERO.

WES CRAVEN TALKS "RED EYE" SEQUEL, "RED EYE 2: THE SEARCH FOR MORE MONEY".

ANG LEE WINS FILMMAKER OF THE YEAR AWARD FOR "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" FROM THE DGA, CONTINUES KISSIN' DUDES WITH SHEEP.

GRAMMY AWARDS MAY OFFER NOMINATIONS TO OLD PEOPLE, BUT IT'S ONLY BECAUSE NEW MUSIC BLOWS.

AFTER MISSING BON JOVI, GOD TRIES TO TAKE OUT LIVE, BUT SWINGS & MISSES... IF I WERE A ROCK BAND, I DON'T THINK I'D FLY FOR AWHILE...NOBODY WANTS TO GET FAMOUS LIKE SKYNARD, AND GOD RARELY GETS STRIKE 3 CALLED.

That's it folks. Hope you had a good weekend. If not, I'm not losing sleep about it. Click. Refresh. Comment. Refresh. Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight. Refresh.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

SAG Award Winners

KIEFER wins for "24"!!

Here's the rundown. And for all of you people with me here on the West Coast, I'm predicting the FUTURE!!!

2006 SAG AWARD WINNERS!

Goodnight, America.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-27-06

Here's the last news you'll hear from us until Monday. Get it while you can. What? THE NEWS:

SOME GUY WITH THE SUSPICIOUS NAME OF "ACE UNDERHILL" WANTS TO SINGLE-HANDEDLY BRING "FIREFLY" BACK FOR A SECOND SEASON.

CHANDLER TO STAR IN SORKIN'S NEW SHOW!

AXE-FACE CRASHES HIS CAR, REPORTS THE SCENE TO "MY NAME IS EARL", WILL STILL WIN SAG AWARD ON SUNDAY.

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

EVEN THE SPANIARDS GET BETTER POSTERS THAN WE DO. HERE'S "PAN'S LABYRINTH".

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS ONLY A BARREN WENCH TO TOM CRUISE'S SEED, NICOLE KIDMAN BECOMES THE U.N. GOODWILL AMBASSADOR.

AHHH, JUST WHAT AMERICA NEEDED....YOUR MAN-PURSE IS SO BROKEBACK!

AMY SEDARIS, ALWAYS THE OPTIMIST, SAYS HER "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" MOVIE IS ACTUALLY COMING OUT IN JUNE.

"VENDETTA" GETS THE IMAX OPENING, AND YOU DON'T.

VAL KILMER JOINS DENZEL AND JESUS IN TONY SCOTT'S "DEJA VU", WEE-WEE, POO-POO.

THE WB IS GOING TO REMAKE "GASLIGHT", BECAUSE AMBIATIC 40'S MOVIE IN BLACK & WHITE NEED COLOR, DAMMIT! THEY NEED IT! COLOR IS THE NEW BLACK AND WHITE!

ROBIN WILLIAMS JOINS THE HAIRY CAST OF "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM", PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT BEN STILLER CAN'T BE STOPPED FROM DRAGGING OTHERS DOWN WITH HIM.

"NARNIA" BLOWS THE DOORS OFF OF APRIL DVD SALES!

AVRIL LEVIGNE WANTS TO BE A MODEL -- NEXT STOP, AFTER SHE BUYS SOME.... "JUGGS".

That's it. Have a great weekend. Go see some movies. Tell a friend about this site. Make us your homepage. Refresh all the time. Leave a comment. Send us a review. DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-26-06

Thursday is YOUR news day:

COMIC BOOK SPIDER-MAN GETS NEW TONY STARK-DESIGNED COSTUME, FANBOYS & SPIDER-MAN PISSED.

"X-MEN: THE LAST STAND", THE THIRD IN THE "TRILOGY"....AND A "MAGNETO" MOVIE IN THE WORKS? QUOI?

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU'D GET THROUGH THE DAY WITHOUT SEEING BENICIO DEL TORO AS "CHE", YOU ARE THWARTED BY THE SHEEP AND LATINO REVIEW!

STEPHEN COLBERT CLEANSES OLD GLORY WITH TRUTHINESS.

WHAT SHOWS WILL MAKE THE CUT WHEN UPN & THE WB MERGE INTO "THE CW"?

KATIE HOLMES WILL BE NAKED AGAIN ON CELLULOID, BUT NOT WITHOUT AN IDIOTIC CASE OF WHODUNIT AND THANK YOU FOR SMOKING.

IF YOU THINK VINCENT D'ONOFRIO IS YOUR HOLLYWOOD TOY, "THINK AGAIN!" HE'S GOOD AT "CONNECTING THE DOTS".

IN A BOLD MOVE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS TO BE KOREAN, BRENDAN FRASER FINALLY GETS TO ACT AGAIN!

KEVIN SMITH GIVES YOU A RUNDOWN ON WHAT HE LIKED LAST YEAR, AND WHAT HE BOUGHT ON DVD, SO YOU CAN TRY TO KEEP UP.

FINALLY, SOME PICS FROM THE LEAST ANTICIPATED FILM OF 2006! "TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING".

MTV RESTRUCTURES, STILL WON'T PLAY MUSIC.

Go home! That's all there is to see here!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-25-06

Your Humps, your humps, your lovely lady lumpsday news:


CHRIS PENN IS DEAD AT 40...OR 43...DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ASK. EITHER WAY, SEAN HAS ANOTHER REASON TO BE PISSY.

STEPHEN KING'S NEW BOOK "CELL" IS OUT, BUT BE SURE NOT TO USE YOUR CELLPHONE, YOU ZOMBIE FREAK.

DISNEY OFFICIALLY BUYS PIXAR, GETS STEVE JOBS ONE OF THOSE HATS WITH THE MOUSE EARS ON IT SO HE CAN SIT IN HIS MONEY BIN WITH IT ON.

"PRIEST" TO COME TO THE BIG SCREEN, MAKING ALL OF YOUR COMIC BOOK VAMPIREY-WESTERN DREAMS COME TRUE.

AMBER TAMBLYN FIGURES OUT SHE HAS A "GRUDGE"...."2"...."GRUDGE 2".

IN A SHOCKING REVEAL, K-FED'S RAP ALBUM IS "INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE"!

RAPPER "CASSIDY" GETS CONVICTED OF INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER...PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT YOU CAN'T SPELL MANSLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER.

DON'T SCREW WITH JOE PESCI OR HE'LL PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH.

MODEL SUES "SPAMALOT" FOR STEALING HER IMAGE, HAVING SENSE OF HUMOR.

OUT OF TALENTED PEOPLE TO GIVE STARS TO, "MOTLEY CRUE" GETS A STAR ON THE WALK OF FAME.

That's it! I swear it!

Rest in peace, Chris.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-24-06

Toosday Noos:

NO SHIT! CBS & WARNER MERGE TO FORM "THE CW", UPN & THE WB TO GO OFF THE AIR IN SEPT. 2006!!

NEW LINE WANTS YOU TO SEE "FINAL DESTINATION 3" FOR FREE! THAT'S HOW GOOD IT IS!

WILL STEVE JOBS BE THE NEW UNFROZEN CAVEMAN DISNEY?

THERESA RUSSELL GETS THE GREENLIGHT FOR "SPIDER-MAN 3", KICKING SAND IN YOUR EYE.

HUGH JACKMAN "PRESTIGE" PICS, THANKS TO "JUST JARED".

SAM RAIMI BUYS THE RIGHTS TO A VIDEO GAME YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED.

"DODGEBALL" DIRECTOR SET TO SCREW UP "MAGNUM P.I." MOVIE.

COOL QUAD POSTERS FOR "WALK THE LINE" AND "DATE MOVIE"!

THE LAST FIVE "SILENT HILL" POSTERS YOU'LL EVER SEE!

MEG RYAN CONTINUES TO DO STUPID STUFF, THIS TIME ADOPTING A KID FROM CHINA FOR NO REASON.

WOLE PARK, A GUY FROM MTV'S "UNDRESSED" IS A DRUNK DRIVER AGAIN. GRATS!

JUST WHAT THE HELL IS "ALTERNATIVE MUSIC" NOW, AND WHY IS THERE STILL A GRAMMY FOR IT?

GOD PUTS CURSE ON JASON LEE FOR BEING GREAT, HAVING FUNNY SHOW IN A YEAR FULL OF CRAP.

PARIS HILTON WON'T TAKE MONEY TO POSE FOR PLAYBOY, TOO BUSY GETTING NAKED FOR FREE.

Bong!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-21 & 22 & 23-06

Welcome back to the work week. Here's the news:

EVEN GOD CAN'T KILL BON JOVI.

"THE WEST WING" GETS CANNED, "LAW & ORDER" MOVED TO TAKE ON "LOST", AND OTHER THINGS THAT MOST OF AMERICA, ACCORDING TO RATINGS, DON'T CARE ABOUT.

"UNDERWORLD 2" KICKS BOX OFFICE ASS, EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT "EVOLUTION" AND "HOODWINKED" HOLDS FAST AT NUMBER 2!

X3 PICTURES, WITH A LI'L LESS CONVERSATION, A LI'L MORE VINNIE JONES.

THE NAVY DOESN'T LIKE ANNAPOLIS EITHER.

STILL CARE ABOUT "STAR WARS"? I GUESS YOU COULD TRY TO DO THIS THING THEN.

"DEAD GUY" TAKES LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS.

JUDI DENCH APPROVES OF NEW JAMES BOND, AND, FRANKLY, IF SHE DOES, THEN YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR TALENTLESS MOUTH.

REALLY DIG THESE BAD DIRECT-TO-DVD PREQUELS TO GOOD MOVIES? TRY ON THE PREQUEL TO WALKEN'S "KING OF NEW YORK".

"THE DA VINCI CODE" OPENS CANNES. I STILL HATE THE FRENCH.

YOUR MONDAY JASON STATHAM FIX: THE DUNGEON SIEGE TRAILER.

"PENGUIN" DIRECTOR GOES AFTER FOXES NEXT.

"DREAMER", "GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN'" & "CHICKEN LITTLE" ALL HIT DVD SHELVES IN MARCH ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER DAMN MOVIE I WANT TO BUY, BUT LUCKILY I DON'T WANT THOSE.

ONE THING THOSE "LOST" ACTORS FOUND IS A RAISE.

VOLDEMORT GOES BACK TO BROADWAY.

JANETTE CARTER, THE LAST OF THE CARTER FAMILY, DIES AT 82.

50 CENT, STILL A THIEF AFTER ALL THIS TIME.

That's it, folks. Enjoy the solitude of your lowly lives.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-20-06

Have a good weekend. Here's the news:

IT'S PRETTY BAD WHEN SHOWTIME WON'T EVEN AIR YOUR EPISODE OF "MASTERS OF HORROR". SO MUCH FOR GIVING THESE GREAT HORROR DIRECTORS "CARTE BLANCHE" TO DO WHAT THEY WANT IN A MEDIUM CREATED ENTIRELY TO THIS TYPE OF THING. THEN AGAIN, NOTHING SAYS "PUBLICITY STUNT" LIKE SAYING "THIS THING IS TOO SHOCKING FOR PAY CABLE!!!"

GET YOUR VIDEO GAME MOVIE HAT BACK ON AND WATCH THE "SILENT HILL" TRAILER.

"DREAMGIRLS" HAS A TEASER ONLINE, AND EDDIE MURPHY IS STILL TOO HOT FOR THE HOTTUB.

VINNIE JONES SAYS HE'S SIGNED ON FOR X-MEN 4 & 5. IN OTHER NEWS, THERE WILL BE AN X-MEN 4 & 5.

DISNEY FIGURES THE BEST WAY TO NEGOTIATE WITH PIXAR IS TO BUY THEM.

MORE MOVIE RELEASE DATES GET SHOVED AROUND, INCLUDING THE ALL ELUSIVE ADAPTATION OF "DALLAS" THAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITHOUT A CAST.

THE REST OF JOBLO'S TOP 10 CRAZY EVIL BITCHES, COMPLETE WITH LEG-BREAKERS AND BUNNY COOKERS.

BEN STILLER HAS RE-TEAMED WITH THE MAKERS OF "DODGEBALL" FOR AN UNTITLED MOVIE, ONLY THE 12TH MOVIE HE'LL MAKE IN THE NEXT 3 YEARS.

BECAUSE HE'S BETTER THAN YOU, WILLIAM SHATNER GETS $25,000 FOR HIS KIDNEY STONE.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS, WRONG, SAYS THERE IS NO "SEINFELD" CURSE.

B.B. KING PLANS FAREWELL WORLD TOUR, 20 YEARS AFTER EVERYONE HAS ALREADY BID HIM FAREWELL.

"SUPERNATURAL" TO ADD FEMALE CHARACTER FOR SECOND HALF OF SHOW, WHICH PEOPLE WOULD ALREADY KNOW IF THEY WOULD JUST WATCH IT.

UPN CONTINUES TO PUSH THE ENVELOPE WITH BAD TELEVISION BY GIVING JOEY FATONE AND LANCE BASS THEIR OWN SHOW, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TOO RICH & FAMOUS TO COMMENT.

R.I.P. Wilson Picket

GOD SLOWS WILSON PICKET'S MUSTANG DOWN PERMANENTLY.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Spot News 1/19/06

According to the following story, MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE, THAT 70'S SHOW and ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT are all being cancelled. There's still no word on whether anyone will pick up the latter...like SHOWTIME....which would be AWESOME.

Anyway, here:

FOX ENDS SHOWS, HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-19-06

What day is it? THUMP DAY! Whatever. I saw Guy Ritchie's new movie REVOLVER last night. It doesn't come out until March or something on this shore, but when it does, see it. It's nothing like he's ever done before, and quite frankly, I think it's brilliant. After my mind stops swimming I'll write a review of it. It's really heavy in the vein of THE USUAL SUSPECTS and MEMENTO. Don't let the bad press fool you into believing it's a bad movie. It's no SWEPT AWAY 2. At all.

Anyway, here's the news:

HUGE SPIDER-MAN 3 NEWS EXCLUSIVE AT AICN! BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD TO PLAY GWEN FRICKIN' STACY IN THE NEW MOVIE! TWO MOVIES TOO LATE? HOW WILL IT WORK?!? WHO CARES?!? AND WHY COULDN'T KIRSTEN DUNST HAVE PLAYED GWEN SO THEY COULD KILL HER OFF WITH BRYCE COMING IN AS MARY JANE?!? OH. MY. GOD.

AND NOW JOBLO SAYS THAT GWEN NOT ONLY LIVES, BUT THAT TOPHER GRACE IS, IN FACT, AFTER ALL THE RUMOR, "VENOM". I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

DID HARRISON FORD'S ULTIMATUM WORK FOR INDY 4? GEORGE LUCAS SLATES IT FOR A 2007 RELEASE!

THE BAFTA NOMINATIONS ARE OUT (THE BRIT ACADEMY AWARDS), SEE WHICH CONSTANT GARDENERS, GAY COWBOYS AND DEAD COUNTRY SINGERS GOT THE NOD.

REMEMBER THAT "HULK 2 / MULDER" STORY FROM YESTERDAY? IT APPEARS TO BE COMPLETE BULLSHIT. SORRY.

CARPENTER, LANDIS, HOOPER, GARRIS & MORE RETURN FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF "MASTERS OF HORROR"!

HOLLY HUNTER HAS TWINS, ADDING TWO MORE MEELY-MOUTHED, SIDE-TALING KIDS INTO THIS WORLD.

AMERICAN IDOL CONTINUES TO BE STUPID HUGE.

REMEMBER THAT MOVIE I REVIEWD SEVERAL MONTHS AGO? RICHARD LINKLATER'S "A SCANNER DARKLY"? WELL, IT'S COMING OUT IN JULY. AND ABOUT TIME, TOO.

HERE'S THE POSTER FOR RICHARD DONNER'S NEW FILM "16 BLOCKS" WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND MINE, BRUCE WILLIS & MOS DEF.

AGENT SCULLY, TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO GET A PAYCHECK, IS DOING "BLEAK HOUSE" ON PBS.

RUSSELL "FIGHTIN' & SAILIN' AROUND THE WORLD" CROWE GETS TO BE A POPPA AGAIN, BRINGING ANOTHER CHILD INTO THE WORLD THAT HE CAN TEACH TO BEAT PEOPLE UP FOR HIM.

2006 TO BE THE YEAR OF MONEY-MAKING MOVIES AGAIN? I DUNNO...WHICH REMAKES ARE THEY DOING THIS YEAR? CHiPS? HMMM...

BOWIE & HAGGARD TO GET LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT GRAMMYS, BUT NOTHING FOR AARON NEVILLE.

IN A RELATED STORY, IN ORDER TO MAKE THE SUPERBOWL LESS OF A HEADACHE, THEY HAVE HIRED A SMOULDERING SEXPOT TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM...YOU GUESSED IT... AARON NEVILLE.

You have reached the end of this transmission. Enjoy your day.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-18-06

Hump day news, my fine feathered friends:

"24" WHIPS TELEVISION RATING ASS IN ITS FIRST TWO DAYS.

"THE X-FILES" CREATOR CHRIS CARTER SUES FOX!

TOM WELLING SPILLS THE BEANS ON "SMALLVILLE"'S 100TH EPISODE, WHERE THEY KILL, KILL, KILL SOMEBODY. I BET IT'S NOT LEX.

IN RELATED WB NEWS, JENSEN ACKLES SPILLS THE BEANS ON THE REST OF THE SEASON OF "SUPERNATURAL". I BET IT'S NOT LEX.

SURE ITS ONLY BEEN OUT A WEEK, BUT ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR THE WEINSTEIN BROTHERS TO MAKE A "HOODWINKED" SEQUEL? PREPARE FOR "HOOD VS. EVIL"!

P.T. ANDERSON MAKES ANOTHER MOVIE JUST TO SPITE ME.

AGENT MULDER TURNS HUGE AND GREEN?

JOHN SINGLETON TO GO CLANCY ON YOUR ASS.

BOND GOES BACK TO DRIVING AN ASTON MARTIN IN "CASINO ROYALE", AS HE SHOULD.

ERIK LUNDEGAARD TAKES A SHOT AT UNDERSTANDING MOVIE DISTRIBUTION, BY HIMSELF, WITH "KUNG FU HUSTLE" PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

JOBLO GIVES YOU THEIR FIRST 5 OUT OF THEIR TOP 10 CRAZY EVIL BITCHES. 'NUFF SAID.

HANS ZIMMER TO SCORE "DA VINCI CODE". IF YOU CAN'T GET JOHN WILLIAMS, I GUESS YOU CAN SETTLE FOR HANS ZIMMER.

HARRISON FORD TELLS THE POWERS THAT BE TO MAKE "INDY 4" IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS OR HE'S GOING TO DIE OLD AND WHIPLESS.

KIM RAVER OF "24" GETS TO DO A MOVIE WITH BEN STILLER, PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT BEN STILLER WILL HIRE ANYBODY.

VIRGINIA MADSEN TAKES OVER FOR ELIZABETH SHUE ON "THE NUMBER 23" STARRING JIM CARREY. IT'S A THRILLER THAT'S ALMOST "24" BUT NOT QUITE.

NOTE TO DRUG ADDLED PSEUDO-CELEBRITIES...STOP CARRYING YOUR DRUGS WITH YOU. THE POLICE DON'T APPROVE. OH, AND LEIF GARRETT HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR CARRYING NARCOTICS.

"CHEF" HAS BEEN HSPITALIZED FOR "EXHAUSTION" AFTER EVERY ONE ELSE SEEMED TO THINK IT WAS A STROKE. WELL, I GUESS WE'LL SEE WHO GETS THE SHAFT.

That's it. Enjoy.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Bauer Kills Christmas

This story was forwarded to me by Jerrica Benton's cousin. She calls it a story about her "Next Ex-Husband".

This is truly why JACK BAUER is the greatest.

Click below for the

BEST. STORY. EVER.

Be sure to scroll down and read the whole thing. It's bloody brilliant.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-17-06

Scroll down to get your GLOBE on. Here's the news:

KID FROM "BEETHOVEN" SERIES IS SUICIDAL AND MISSING, PARENTS SCOLDED FOR FINALLY SHOWING HIM "BEETHOVEN".

CONAN O'BRIEN HAS POLITICAL POWER...IN FINLAND. SERIOUSLY.

"CAPOTE" WHINES AND WADDLES ITS WAY TO DVD ON MARCH 14TH.

AFTER 2 YEARS, THE NEXT 20 EPISODES OF "THE SOPRANOS" WILL BE THE LAST. 12 NOW, 8 IN 2007. DO PEOPLE STILL WATCH THAT SHOW? NOT FOR 2 YEARS, I GUESS.

U2 CAUSES BRAZILIAN PILE-UP, THE EDGE STILL SAD ABOUT THAT GUITAR IN NEW ORLEANS.

GIVING UP ON BIG NAME ACTRESSES, THE CHICK FROM "TROY" MIGHT JUST BE THE NEW BOND GIRL, BUT THEN AGAIN, WHO CARES?

EMPIRE ONLINE HAS THE "200". I THINK IT'S SOME SORT OF POLL, BUT WILL WE EVER TRULY KNOW?

"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" TRIES TO QUIT YOU IN MARCH.

TIM ROBBINS WANTS TO ADAPT "1984" FOR FILM, BIG BROTHER CONTINUES STARING AT HIS WIFE'S BOOBS.

TIRED OF GETTING AN EDUCATION IN ACTING AND WANT TO JUST JUMP RIGHT IN WITH THE REST OF THE TALENTLESS HACKS? STARZ & REVOLUTION STUDIOS HAS A DEAL FOR YOU!

JASON STATHAM AND JET LI TO RETEAM TO KICK EACH OTHER'S ASSES, "ROGUE" STYLE.

FIRST PICKS FROM EMILIO ESTEVEZ'S "BOBBY", STARRING A HOBBIT AND A CRACK BABY.

ALICIA KEYS, HAVING TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS TO WRITE GOOD SONGS, HAS DECIDED TO GO INTO THE T.V. & MOVIE BUSINESS.

BRITNEY MURPHY, TIRED OF NOT BEING ENGAGED AGAIN, GETS A RING FROM SOME GUY, UNTIL HE, TOO, REALIZES THAT THE SEX ISN'T WORTH THE EVERPRESENT STENCH OF BOTH EMINEM & ASHTON KUTCHER.

"RENT" JUMPS OVER THE MOON IN FEBRUARY.

SOME DRUG-ADDLED TALENTLESS "SINGERS" NEVER LEARN. PETE DOHERTY ARRESTED AGAIN FOR DRUGS, RIGHT AFTER PLEADING GUILTY TO LAST MONTH'S CHARGE. KATE MOSS SEEN HIDING HER STASH.

GOD COSTS THE WB TOO MUCH MONEY. "7TH HEAVEN" TAKES THE RAP.

That's it, kids. Enjoy yourselves.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Golden Globe Results

For those of you that were 100% awesome and watched "24", instead of the Golden Globes, here are the results...some good, some bad...

Remind me to tell you what I thought of the gay cowboy movie....for a hint, I agree very much with Gene Shalit, only I don't apologize for it.

HERE IS THE COMPLETE LIST OF GOLDEN GLOBE WINNERS!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-14 & 15 & 16-06

Well... after a heartbreaking 2 hours of "24" last night, we at the Sheep are gearing up for another 2 hours tonight at 8 p.m. on FOX. You better watch it. Everyone else is.

Here's the news:

"HOODWINKED" WINS THE BOX OFFICE PRIZE BY MERE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OVER "LAST HOLIDAY" AND "GLORY ROAD", WHILE "THE CHRONIC *WHAT* CLES OF NARNIA" BEAT "HOSTEL" DOWN TO 5TH PLACE.

LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS, THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ARE COMING....AGAIN...WITH BETTER ANIMATION...

WANT TO DOWNLOAD MOVIES TO YOUR CAR AT THE GAS PUMP? WELCOME TO THE FUTURE. PHILIP K. DICK WOULD BE SO PROUD.

ROSARIO DAWSON, QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA, HAS A COMIC BOOK COMING OUT....NO, SERIOUSLY...

SICK OF NO MOVIES WITH NATHAN FILLION? TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!

BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU, HERE'S THE TRAILER FOR "ULTRAVIOLET"! MILLA, MILLA, BO-BILLA.

THAT OLD POEM BY "ANONYMOUS" GETS A MOVIE TRAILER, THIS TIME WITHOUT CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT!

MICKEY ROURKE WINS "BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR" FROM THE ONLINE CRITICS FOR "SIN CITY"! WHERE'S YOUR ACADEMY NOW?!?

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER, "POSEIDON" GETS A POSTER.

JOBLO GIVES US THE BEST POSTERS OF 2005, AND ONCE AGAIN, I'M NOT ON ANY OF THEM.

NEW "DOCTOR WHO" FINALLY GETS THE SCI-FI CHANNEL GREEN LIGHT...NOW IF BASIC CABLE WOULD ONLY PICK UP SCI-FI. I'LL TRADE THEM FOURTEEN MEXICAN CHANNELS FOR IT. IS IT A DEAL?

HOT ON THE HEELS OF HIS RETIREMENT TO PRISON, DMX RETURNS WITH A NEW LABEL, READY TO CONTINUE THE PREACHING OF GOOD WILL TOWARD MAN.

That's about it. Nothing too exciting.

Sure, the Golden Globes are on tonight, but somebody should have told them not to go head to head with the second half of the "24" premiere. It'll be tough to try to watch Kiefer on two channels at once, so I'm pretty sure the Globes can suck it.

WATCH "24"!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

"24" RETURNS TONIGHT!

The new season of "24" starts tonight at 8:00 p.m. Two hours of love tonight and then two more tomorrow night.

Watch it or suck.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

R.I.P. Shelley Winters

SHELLEY WINTERS, 85, DIES OF HEART FAILURE.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to her family, fans and friends.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-13-05

What kind of news can you expect on Friday the 13th? Huh?

This kind of news:

CHRIS MARTIN HAS ONCE AGAIN PLANTED HIS SEED IN GWYNETH PALTROW. PERHAPS THIS TIME SHE'LL HAVE AN ORANGE.

THE HASSELHOFF FILES FOR DIVORCE FROM HIS WIFE OF 16 YEARS, REGRETS NOT HAVING DONE IT WHILE HE WAS SPENDING ALL OF TIME WITH SCANTILY-CLAD BIMBOS ON THE BEACH.

JOSS WHEDON TALKS ABOUT HIS NEW GIG "GONERS", AND NO, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE CAST OF "SERENITY".

CRAP LOADS OF T.V. PILOT / SERIES NEWS FROM DARK HORIZONS, SOME OF WHICH MIGHT EVEN BE COOL TO WATCH.

RAPPER "MYSTIKAL" GETS A YEAR IN PRISON, AL CAPONE-STYLE.

HOT ON THE HEELS OF THAT, THEY ALSO THROW OUT SOME DATE SHIFTS FOR FEATURE FILMS, INCLUDING PUSHING "CATCH & RELEASE" BACK UNTIL 2007, AND FORCING JIM CARREY & BEN STILLER TO TAKE ON "SHREK 3" AND "SPIDER-MAN", I.E. DOOMING THEM.

THE BEACH BOYS, THINKING THEY HAVE STUFF PEOPLE WANT, HAVE FILED A LAWSUIT AGAINST TWO DUDES FOR $20 MILLION. SOME GUYS WILL DO ANYTHING TO NOT BE FLAT BROKE.

HERE'S A GOOD IDEA, LET'S CALL BRANDON ROUTH, THE NEW "SUPER-MAN", "BRANDO". HERE'S AN INTERVIEW WITH HIM. HE SOUNDS JUST AS FAT & SUPERIOR.

HERE'S THE JOBLO TOP 10 OF 2005, SINCE WE'RE TOO LAZY TO DO ONE OURSELVES.

KARI WUHRER SUES ABC BECAUSE SHE GOT KNOCKED UP.

COLBERT PUTS THE ASSOCIATED PRESS AS #1 ON HIS "THREAT DOWN", SO MSNBC PICKS UP THE STORY. "TRUTHINESS" ENSUES.

MELISSA JOAN HART HAS GIVEN BIRTH. IN OTHER NEWS, SOMEONE SLEPT WITH MELISSA JOAN HART.

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH! Have a good weekend. It's good to be back, isn't it?

E-MAIL US.

JOIN THE SHEEP MAP.

Leave a frickin' comment, you no opinion having meatloafs.

See ya Monday. Go see a movie or something.

AND "24" STARTS AGAIN ON SUNDAY!!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-12-06

Is it Thursday? New E.R. tonight? Shocking moments? How about the news?

READ MORE ABOUT THE JACK BAUER POWER HOUR PREMIERE! "24" STARTS SUNDAY!!

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR THE GOLDEN SCHMOES! THE ONLY AWARDS WHERE YOUR OPINION REALLY MATTERS! (RUN BY JOBLO.COM)

MARCH WORKS ITS MAGIC AGAIN ON DVDS, THIS TIME WITH "HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE"....HERE'S THE COVER. I'M GLAD MARCH'LL KEEP ME BROKE.

JOHNNY DEPP AS "THE JOKER"? RACHAEL WEISZ AS "TALIA", DAUGHTER OF "RA'S AL GHUL"? NOW THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING. I'M SURE THERE WILL ONLY BE ANOTHER YEAR'S WORTH OF RUMORS BEFORE WE FIND OUT WHO IT WILL REALLY BE. THANKS AMERICA.

HERE'S A TERRIBLE IDEA, EVEN IF IT'S A JOKE: "BUTCH AFFLECK & THE SUNDAMON KID".

BRUCKHEIMER CONTINUES TO PULL CHUD OFF OF THE BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL FOR SEQUELS GALORE.

SPEAKING OF SEQUELS, SODERBERGH KEEN ON "OCEAN'S 13" & READY TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT MEXICANS.

DIDN'T KNOW THAT AFTER ELIOT NESS QUIT THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT AND LEFT CHICAGO THAT HE MOVED TO CLEVELAND AND HUNTED A SERIAL KILLER? DAVID FINCHER DOES, AND SOON, SO WILL YOU. I BRING YOU..."TORSO"!

TED KOPPEL TO CONTINUE BEING BORING ON THE STATION THAT LOVES TO BORE, NPR.

IN A FIT OF SOMETHING SOBER, HANK WILLIAMS, JR. VISITS THE ONLY LIVING WEST VIRGINIA MINER....OR HE NEVER VISITED HIM AT ALL...I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO READ THE PAPERS THE NEXT DAY TO FIND OUT...BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST THE MEDIA.

SARAH BUNTING AT MSNBC DOESN'T WANT YOU TO FORGET AXE-FACE MAGEE WHEN THE OSCARS ROLE AROUND, AND NEITHER DO WE.

That's it. Three days 'til Jack's back and television will be good again.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-11-06

Once again, it's the Hump Day news:

BRAD PITT HAS FILLED ANGELINA JOLIE WITH A PITTLING.

MIKE NICHOLS DIRECTS TOM HANKS & JULIA ROBERTS IN THE NEXT MOVIE TO RAKE IN THE BUCKS "CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR".

SEEN THE ANTI-CHRIST? WANT TO? AND NO... IT'S NOT A PIC OF GEORGE W. BUSH....THIS TIME.

"TRANSFORMERS" MOVIE TEST FOOTAGE? YOU BE THE JUDGE.

RAIMI GOES FROM SPIDEY TO DISC WORLD, PUTTING YET ANOTHER CHECK IN BRUCH CAMPBELL'S BULGING POCKETS.

HERE'S THE TOP 10 GROSSERS OF 2005...AND I'M NOT IN ANY OF THEM.

SETH GREEN IS THE HARDEST WORKING HOBBIT IN SHOW BUSINESS.

SICK OF THE FIRST "ERAGON" POSTER? HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. IT'S BLUE!

"BASIC INSTINCT 2" GETS A POSTER, AND MICHAEL DOUGLAS CROSSES HIS FINGERS.

KID THAT'S NOT "MALCOLM" FROM "MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE" BUYS THE "NEWLYWED" LOVE SHACK, KNOWS WHAT TUNA IS.

THE GOLDEN TOMATO AWARDS!!!

EMINEM & EX-WIFE APPLY FOR MARRIAGE LICENSE, PROVING THAT YOU CAN, IN FACT, KEEP BEATING A DEAD HORSE.

PETE DOHERTY PLEADS GUILTY TO DRUG CHRAGES, STILL CAN'T SING, BUT HE FINALLY MADE THE PAPERS.

A BAND I MADE FAMOUS, THE KAISER CHIEFS, TOP THE BRIT AWARD HOMS, AND I DON'T EVEN GET A THANK YOU.

BOND'S "GOLDFINGER" ASTON MARTIN TO BE AUCTIONED, NO WORD ON WHETHER ODD JOB WILL BE IN THE TRUNK.

That's it. Feast you hounds.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-10-06

Another Tuesday and more news:

JOSS WHEDON SPEAKS ON THE FUTURE OF THE "SERENITY" 'VERSE.

FINALLY LISTENING TO THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MYSELF AND JERRICA BENTON, ADRIEN BRODY WANTS TO BE THE NEXT JOKER!

NOT CONVINCED ABOUT "THE FAST & THE FURIOUS 3"? WELL, THE DIRECTOR CAN'T WAIT TO MAKE HIS "POSTMODERN WESTERN"...WE CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

HILARY SWANK, TIRED OF FORGETTING ABOUT HER HUSBAND AT IMPORTANT MOMEMTS OF HER LIFE LIKE THE OSCARS, FINALLY KICKS HIM TO THE CURB.

AFTER HAVING MADE A MERE $530 MILLION WORLDWIDE (SO FAR), DISNEY GEARS UP FOR "NARNIA 2: PUBERTY".

HERE'S A HEALTHY DOSE OF "SEQUEL RUMORS" FOR YOU. IT SAYS NOTHING, BUT WHO REALLY DOES?

SURE "HOSTEL" JUST CAME OUT, BUT WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT NEWS OF "HOSTEL 2: HOSTELER"?

SICK OF NEVER SEEING JASON STATHAM WITH HAIR? CLEANSE YOURSELF.

"THE DA VINCI CODE" PROMO PICKS ARE OUT, AND TOM & AMELIE LOOK KICK ASS.

AS IF THERE WASN'T ALREADY ENOUGH SMOKE UP OUR ASSES, THE "INDIANA JONES" PEOPLE JUST KEEP BLOWING.

AFTER A STRING OF CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FILMS LIKE "O" AND "SAVE THE LAST DANCE", JULIA STILES NAILS DOWN THAT ALL IMPORTANT RETURN FOR HER CHARACTER IN "THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM".

"PHANTOM OF THE OPERA" BEATS "CATS" AS LONGEST RUNNING BROADWAY SHOW, SHITTIEST MOVIE.

ANOTHER "SOPRANOS" ACTOR DOES SOMETHING STUPID.

JUST LIKE KURT COBAIN DYING, NOBODY CARES THAT HIS HOUSE IS UP OR AUCTION.

"DIAMOND" DAVE SAYS REUNITING WITH VAN HALEN IS INEVITABLE, STILL CAN'T FIND HIS CRACK PIPE OR HIS DEPENDS.

That's it. Enjoy. Leave a comment.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 1-9-06

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand We're Back!

We'll act like nothing happened while we were gone, and commence with the NEWS:

NEED MORE KEVIN SMITH, WELL GUESS WHAT! THE NEW CLERKS 2 TEASER IS AVAILABLE RIGHT HERE!!!!

PINK MARRIES MOTOCROSS RACER CAREY HART, AMERICA STUNNED TO KNOW THEY ARE STILL ALIVE.

PROGRESSIVE AMERICA REFUSES TO SHOW "THE BOOK OF DANIEL", TIE AIDEN QUINN TO A POST AND PREPARE TO "BURN THE WITCH".

UTAH REFUSES TO SHOW "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN", STATING "IF OUR WOMEN CAN'T VOTE AND OUR SLAVES AREN'T FREE, THERE WON'T BE NO GAY COWBOYS FOR ME!".

"JARHEAD", "GOOD NIGHT & GOOD LUCK", "JUST FRIENDS" & "CAPOTE" ALL HIT DVD SHELVES IN MARCH. CHECK OUT JOBLO FOR MORE!

PREPARING TO ASSAULT ALL OF YOUR SENSES AT ONCE, TARATINO & RODRIGUEZ GIVE YOU "GRIND HOUSE: THE BOOK!"

PRETTY BOY GETS CAST AS "AQUAMAN" FOR NEW WB TV SHOW, OTHER GUY WHO PLAYED HIM ON "SMALLVILLE" DROWNS.

TV GUIDE CONFIRMS KIM'S RETURN TO "24", AND TALKS MOVIE FRANCHISE, WHILE COUGARS EVERYWHERE PREPARE FOR A FEAST.

"WOLVERINE" MOVIE BEING MADE AND "X3" WILL MAKE PEOPLE GO "BALLISTIC", SAYS HUGH JACKMAN. NO WORD ON WHETHER THAT'S A GOOD "BALLISTIC" OR A BAD "BALLISTIC".

WAL-MART DECIDES IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO RECOMMEND MARTIN LUTHER KING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR "PLANET OF THE APES"...RACISM ENSUES.

MSNBC'S TOP 10 MOVIE SCENES OF 2005.

WANT MORE "VENDETTA"? HERE'S THE JAPANESE TRAILER!

LOOKS LIKE TIM BURTON WILL CONTINUE NOT DOING ANYTHING ORIGINAL AND KEEP PAYING JOHNNY DEPP TO DO IT WITH HIM...WE GIVE YOU "SWEENEY TODD"!

JUST WHEN YOU WERE WONDERING IF AND WHEN "DEADWOOD" WOULD FINALLY GET AROUND TO SEASON THREE, HBO GOES ALL IN AND GIVES THE GO-AHEAD FOR SEASON FOUR!

"HARD CANDY" GETS A TRAILER AND POSTER...AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE COUNTING CROWS SONG.

WARNER BROTHERS PICKS UP "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE" ALONG WITH ITS DIRECTOR...SPIKE JONZE!

OH YEAH, AND JON STEWART IS GOING TO HOST THE OSCARS, SO PREPARE TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED.

That's a good start to get us going again. Like I said, we're each going to have a round-up for you, since our opinions matter to so many of you. It keeps us fresh and in tune with out creative side. Until then, more news tomorrow. We hope everybody had great holidays and we look forward to hearing from you in this new year.

That's 2006. The new year. Work with us, not against us.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

The Return!

Fear not! The Sheep will return with daily compiled news, et al starting January 9th, 2006!

Until then, relax and learn how to send us an e-mail or post a comment!

CANASTA!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep