Compiled News 11-30-05

Ahhhh...the last day of November! All those pagan gift giving holidays are right around the corner! So I guess it's time for the NEWS!

MYTHBUSTERS STRUCK DOWN BY ZEUS.

GREGORY PECK'S STAR STOLEN FROM THE WALK OF FAME. MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAD.

GEORGE MICHAEL'S GETTIN' HITCHED!

STAN BERENSTAIN DIES AT 82, TAKING ALL OF HIS BEARS WITH HIM.

FOX FINALLY THROWS ENOUGH MONEY AT BEVERLY CLEARY.

JEREMY PIVEN, IN HIS FIRST LEADING ROLE SINCE PCU, GETS TO FIGHT ANIMALS. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON HIS SOUL.

TIME WANTS TO KNOW IF BOOKS OR MOVIES ARE BETTER, AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T CARE.

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, HERE ARE THE CRITIC FAVS FOR BEST PICTURE THIS YEAR.

FOX IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO BREAK BACK INTO "PRISON" WITHOUT HANGING ITSELF IN THE CORNER OF ITS CELL.

IF YOU ARE THE 2 FANS OF THESE TWO SHOWS, YOU WON'T BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT "REUNION" AND "HOT PROPERTIES" JUST GOT THE 'OLE HEAVE-HO!

"THE HILLS HAVE EYES" REMAKE IS FIGHTING FOR AN 'R'...FROM THE NC-17 SIDE OF THE FENCE. WHAT? A HORROR MOVIE THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE SCARY? DAMN, GRRRL.

TUCCI, SHALOUB & CLARKSON GET A DEAD KID AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESS...FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

"BANDIDAS" POSTER, SO YOUR HISPANIC FEMALE LEADING LADY FETISH QUOTA CAN BE TAKEN CARE OF EARLY ON IN THE DAY.

CHECK OUT THE MAIN PAGE OF JOBLO.COM FOR SONY'S 2006 MOVIE FORECAST. I THINK THERE'S STUFF THERE THAT EVEN I WOULD PAY TO SEE.

DON'T SCREW KEVIN COSTNER OUT OF BEING A GRUMPY OLD DUDE.

HEFNER TO BE BURIED NEXT TO MARILYN...PLEASE COMMENCE THE ZOMBIE SCROG.

RIC FLAIR TURNS HIMSELF IN FOR BEATING UP A CAR...AND SOME DUDE.

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN EVEN THE PORN PEOPLE CAN'T COME UP WITH CLEVER NAMES FOR THEIR BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE RIP-OFFS.

JULIA ROBERTS STILL COSTS $20 MILLION A MOVIE, EVEN THOUGH SHE WASN'T IN ANYTHING THIS YEAR. LUCKILY, I STILL COST MORE...BUT NOBODY WANTS ME.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE OFTEN MOBBED BECAUSE THEY THINK HE'S FRODO WHILE THE REAL FRODO FLYS AROUND ON HIS BROOM AND BANGS PROFESSOR SPROUT.

HOT ON THE HEELS OF HIS KIDS BOOKS, 50 CENT WANTS TO MAKE CONDOMS AND A WATERPROOF VIBRATOR..."HE'LL BE IN 'DA TUB...SOAPY WATER BLOWIN' YO MIND...GOT WHATCHA NEED..." FORGET IT.

That's it. Head for the hills! Run! RUUUUUUUN!

Might be seeing the new Spike Lee movie tonight. We'll see.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-29-05

Tuesday, and the week's just FLYING BY isn't it? It's been 40 degrees in California the last two nights. It's smelled like snow in the air, which is a subtle change from the usual "homes and hillsides burning" smell from this time of year.

Just got back from the LBC, so I think it's time for the NEWS!

NOW THAT HE REMEMBERS HOW TO DIRECT, ROMERO KEEPS LETTING ZOMBIES GET TO HIM.

DENZEL GOES BACK TO THE FUTURE WITH JESUS TO BLOW SHIT UP.

TIM BURTON & JIM CARREY TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT A DEAN CAIN SHOW.

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF A GOOD THING? TRY BEING A BALLET DANCER WITH SCISSORHANDS.

TIRED OF NOT HAVING KUNG FU PANDAS AROUND? THEN 2008 IS THE YEAR FOR YOU!

WHETHER YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OR NOT, 4 MINUTES OF KONG IS WORTH THE EDUCATION.

BEEN EAGERLY AWAITING THAT LIST OF NOMINEES FOR THE INDEPENDENT SPIRIT AWARDS? NO? WELL HERE THEY ARE!

FANTASTIC FOUR DVD TO HAVE X3 STUFF ON IT, BUT WET YOUR WHISTLE ON THIS FIRST.

POTTER TAKES DOWN SPIDER-MAN ON ITS OPENING DAY, BUT PETER PARKER STILL OWNS THE HIGHEST WEEKEND GROSS EVER. MAYBE ONE DAY POTTER WILL BE A MAN...WITH SPIDER POWERS.

SCOTT STAPP FINALLY CLOSES DOOR ON CREED, SADLY STILL MAKES "MUSIC".

NOW YOU CAN OWN THE THING THAT MADE JERRY GARCIA COME UP WITH ALL THAT SHIT. (OR: THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR A POTTY MOUTH LIKE HAVING THE REAL THING).

DISNEY & CBS OFFER BATTLIN' POPES!

KNOWING SHE CAN'T DO IT HERSELF, RUDD & COOPER JOIN JULIA ON BROADWAY.

LACHEY FENDS OFF FAUX-SADNESS OVER MARRIAGE BREAK-UP BY GETTING ANOTHER SERIES.

INXS JUST NOW REALIZED THEY WEREN'T SUCCESSFUL.

SHAKIRA'S ORAL FIXATION IS MUCH HOTTER IN ENGLISH.

That's it, folks. Aren't you glad you waited?

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

American Dreamz Review

As promised, here is my review of next year's off-beat politico-comedy AMERICAN DREAMZ, directed by Paul Weitz, who previously directed IN GOOD COMPANY, ABOUT A BOY & AMERICAN PIE.

He's also tapped to direct the novel-to-film adaptation of ANOTHER BULLSHIT NIGHT IN SUCK CITY, which happens to be one of my favorite book titles EVER.

The film stars several unknowns (to me, anyway), as well as HUGH GRANT, DENNIS QUAID, WILLEM DAFOE, MARCIA GAY HARDEN, CHRIS KLEIN, JENNIFER COOLIDGE, JUDY GREER, SETH MEYERS & MANDY MOORE.

The review, as usual, is up on AICN, thanks to my pal Moriarty, so without further ado about nothing...

CLICK HERE FOR KREEGAL'S AMERICAN DREAMZ REVIEW

Tell us what you think. Leave a comment. Tell a friend.

Enjoy! The news will be late today. I've gotta go to tha hood.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News *Holiday Weekend* & 11-28-05

Aaaaaaaaaand we're back. Hope everybody had a great holiday weekend, except the filthy brits. Just kidding. I hope it rained for them.

It was an exciting weekend... the Hollywood parade boasted such stars as John Schneider and the bad guy from Happy Gilmore... Pat Morita died... Alias & Threshold were both shot down like slow turkeys... and life goes on toward the "other" holidays.

PAT MORITA WAXES OFF THIS MORTAL COIL. (OR: PAT MORITA CAUSES WORLD TO ALL MAKE SAME JOKE IN UNISON).

THRESHOLD GETS CANNED, DATA CRIES REAL HUMAN TEARS.

POTTER STILL KICKING EVERY OTHER MOVIES ASS, TOPS $200 MIL.

HEY JESSICA! WHY THE LONG, HORSE-LIKE FACE? OH YEAH, IT'S BECAUSE YOU AND NICK ARE FINALLY ADMITTING IT'S OVER!

THOSE SLIPPERS ARE DYNAMITE!

MEL GIBSON DONATES FAKE PYRAMIDS TO MEXICANS, MEXICANS CAN'T TELL DIFFERENCE.

PETER BRADY TO GET MARRIED TO VAPID REDNECK ON T.V., OR AS THE NETWORK LIKES TO CALL IT: "MY FAIR BRADY - SEASON 2".

IN A SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT, EMINEM WENT TO REHAB FOR "SLEEPING PILLS".

THEY FINALLY GOT PARIS HILTON'S MONKEY...OUTBREAK POSTPONED UNTIL NEXT PUBLICITY STUNT.

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER TRIES TO SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA ON T.V. (OR: LORD WEBBER MAKES REALITY T.V. SHOW ABOUT NAZI MUSICAL).

ENYA, LIKE ANNE HECHE BEFORE HER, HAS LOST HER FRICKIN' MIND.

DEPECHE MODE SINGER'S KIDS DON'T LIKE DADDY'S TAINT RING.

TILDA SWINTON'S THIRD NIPPLE HAS GOTTEN HER THROUGH SOME ROUGH PATCHES. IN OTHER NEWS, TILDA SWINTON HAS THREE NIPPLES.

JOLIE WANTS TO RAID MORE TOMBS.

CLOONEY TO DIRECT COHEN BROTHERS CAST OFF.

NEW T.V. SHOW ABOUT KIDNAPPING NOT GOING TO BE CALLED "WITHOUT ANOTHER TRACE".

JASON STATHAM IS ON CRANK.

CRONENBERG TO MAKE ANOTHER HOPEFULLY LESS SHITTY MOVIE.

RUSSELL CROWE FINALLY GETS TO BEAT UP NICOLE KIDMAN.

WHINEY BASTARD FROM "GILMORE GIRLS" TO PLAY ROCKY'S KID.

MATT DAMON THINKS YOU CAN'T READ.

NAOMI WATTS BLAMES YOGA FOR LIVING THROUGH KONG.

MEDIOCRE SEQUEL TO CLEVER MOVIE COMES TO DVD IN FEBRUARY.

BLACK SABBATH AND MILES DAVIS TEAM UP TO....OK, FORGET IT, THEY'RE BEING INDUCTED INTO THE ROCK 'N ROLL HALL OF FAME.

JET LI DIDN'T KNOW WHAT LOVE WAS UNTIL HE MET SOMEONE WITH THE SAME LAST NAME.

ROD STEWART IS A DAD AGAIN, AND HE'S ONLY 60.

IN A RELATED STORY, HIS DAUGHTER'S ENGAGEMENT TO THE GUY FROM "LAGUNA BEACH" IS TOTALLY OVER.

AS SATAN GETS CLOSER TO WALKING AMONG US, HILARY DUFF WILL CO-HOST "NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE".

STRONG BREEZE BLOWS LAURA FLYNN BOYLE OUTTA "LAS VEGAS".

TOM CRUISE BUYS SONOGRAM MACHINE TO CONTINUE HIS ALIEN CULTIVATION OF IMMACULATLY CONCEPTED FETUS.

That's it folks. You're all caught up now. Hope you had a great holiday and we're glad you're back.

Stay tuned for a review of AMERICAN DREAMZ.

Power to the people.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Jennifer Garner's Thanksgiving Treat

ALIAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-23-05

Hump-day news with a Turkey on the horizon.

"PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST" TRAILER HITS IN THE BACK OF A VOLVO.

SUPER-EXTENDO "SIN CITY" IS ONLY WEEKS AWAY. DROOL YOU YELLOW BASTARD.

GOLDEN GIRLS CAUSE MASS HYSTERIA AT BARNES & NOBLE....AND YES, THEY'RE ALL STILL ALIVE. AND YES, I DO MEAN MASS HYSTERIA.

"OUIJA BOARD" MOVIE, ALREADY MADE, DIDN'T THINK TO ASK PARKER BROTHERS PERMISSION, NOW HAS CHANGED NAME TO "CREEPY BOARD GAME THAT LIES TO CHILDREN WITH A TRIANGLE EYE-GLASS CENTER PIECE NOT CALLED 'OUIJA' OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT".

KEVIN SMITH DECIDES TO BE FUNNIER THAN THE TALKBACKERS AGAIN.

FELICITY HUFFMAN FINALLY GETS TO SHOW THE WORLD SHE'S BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.

HBO'S "ROME" DECIDES TO STAB ITSELF IN THE BACK.

HERE ARE PICTURES FROM "DEAD OR ALIVE". AT LEAST THEY CAST WOMEN.

"DIE HARD THE 4TH ELEMENT" TO RUSH INTO 2006? SOUNDS LIKE A BAD IDEA, BUT WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

22-YEAR-OLD GIRL SPENDS OVER $13,000 FOLLOWING HANSON AROUND, BUT THE CHICK DRUMMER STILL WON'T SLEEP WITH HER.

LIKE SEX IN THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGON, TERI HATCHER IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

SURE, IF I BROUGHT A BILLION PEOPLE TOGETHER AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY GREAT MUSICIAN TO PLAY FOR THEM FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD IN ORDER TO TAKE A STAND AGAINST POVERTY, I'D PROBABLY WIN SOMETHING, TOO. GRATS, GELDOF.

HE'S NEIL DIAMOND! HE WILL COUNT YOU IN!!!

FINALLY! PETER GALLAGHER RELEASES HIS FIRST ALBUM! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!

MARIAH CAREY ACTUALLY DOES WIN SOME AWARDS LAST NIGHT, ALONG WITH OTHER PEOPLE. SO MUCH FOR LETTING THEM LOSE SO THEY DON'T MAKE MORE "MUSIC". GOOD ONE, GUYS.

JOHN MAYER IS TIRED OF BEING "ACOUSTIC", GETTING LAID ALL THE TIME.


That's it. Stay tuned for a review of AMERICAN DREAMZ. In the meantime, go cook a bird.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-22-05

Tuesday... two days until we have to give thanks for war and taxes.

The news:

"LADY IN THE WATER" IN QUICKTIME...SHYAMALAN DOES A SIDEWAYS SPLASH.

BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH, "KING KONG" T.V. SPOTS!

OPRAH TO DO DAVE. IN A BATTLE OF EGO VS. WIT, WIT ALWAYS WINS.

JACK BAUER'S DADDY LOVES ACTING, PROUD OF HIS BARE ASS.

NEED A LIST OF MUSICIAN BIOPICS? ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY THINK YOU DO.

CHRIS ELLIOT, ADMITTING HE CAN'T KEEP A T.V. SERIES, HAS TURNED INTO A NOVELIST.

DIRTY BRITS TO REMAKE "THE PRISONER", SINCE THEY'RE SO GOOD AT EVERYTHING ELSE.

YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T WANT A "TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE" PREQUEL, A REMAKE OF "THE BIRDS" OR A REMAKE OF "THE HITCHER"? THEN YOU MUST NOT BE FRIENDS WITH THESE A-HOLES.

AXE-FACE DOESN'T GET ENOUGH ASS AS AN ACTOR, THINKS ABOUT QUITTING.

DYLAN'S HIGH SCHOOL POETRY BEING AUCTIONED, ALONG WITH JAKOB TO TRANSLATE.

PROvING IT TAKES A MOVIE TO GET RELIGIOUS-TYPES UP IN ARMS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T READ, HERE COMES TO DISECTION OF "NARNIA".

LUCKILY FOR US, SEINFELD WON'T DO ANOTHER SITCOM.

HOLLYWOOD & THE C.I.A. TEAM UP FOR "SYRIANA", FORCE CLOONEY TO GROW BEARD.

BACK FROM THE DEAD, TODD RUNDGREN TO FRONT THE NEW "CARS". EVEN CANCER CAN'T KEEP A BAD BAND DOWN.

MARIAH CAREY UP FOR FOUR AMA AWARDS ON TUESDAY. IN OTHER NEWS, THE AMA'S ARE TUESDAY, BECAUSE BAD MUSIC NEEDS JUSTIFICATION.

That's it, folks. I think I'm going to go see a screening of AMERICAN DREAMZ tonight, by Paul Weitz, the director of In Good Company & About A Boy. We'll talk all about it tomorrow.

But since you probably won't be doing that, you can watch BONES, SUPERNATURAL & LAW & ORDER: SVU tonight.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-21-05

The weekend is over. Did you do anything fun?

Here's what ELSE happened:

NOT SATISFIED BY THE FIRST PUNISHER? HERE'S A SHORT SCRIPT REVIEW OF NUMBER 2: "PUNISHER: WAR ZONE". (OR: TOM JANE CONTINUES TO KICK ASS).

IN CASE THAT ONE DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU, HERE'S A HUGE SPOILER OF "PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2" ALONG WITH A SCRIPT REVIEW OF "PIRATES 3" TO ALSO NOT DO IT FOR YOU.

CELEBRITIES SHOULDN'T NAME THEIR PETS, EITHER. OH, AND PINK HATES CHILDREN.

CHRIS YOUNG HIRED TO SCORE "SPIDER-MAN 3", DANNY ELFMAN TOO BUSY DOING TIM BURTON'S REMAKES, HATING SAM RAIMI.

THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE "RUSH HOUR" ARE IDIOTS.

IN A BIT OF MASTER CASTING, BOWIE JOINS JACKMAN & BALE IN "THE PRESTIGE", PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT HE CAN MAKE THAT MAGIC DANCE.

WHERE COULD YOU FIND PIX FROM "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: 3" OF TOM CRUISE? WHY, AT "EGOTASTIC" OF COURSE!

WEINSTEIN'S DO "DEAD OR ALIVE" VIDEO GAME MOVIE, PROVING ONCE AGAIN THEY LOVE BOOBS.

TIRED OF YOUR OLD POSTERS FOR NEW MOVIES? HERE ARE DIFFERENT VERSIONS, VIA OTHER COUNTRIES.

"BRING IT ON 3", THE BROUGHTENEST OF THE BROUGHTEN.

MEL GIBSON, UBER-CATHOLIC, IS TIRED OF THE MORMONS' BULLSHIT.

ANGUS YOUNG OF AC-DC FINALLY MAKES A LIST OF SOMETHING...NAMELY, THE LIST OF "GREATEST SHORT DUDES".

KANYE WEST GETS A BILLBOARD AWARD, STILL HATES YOU.

25 YEARS LATER AND PEOPLE STILL MISS JOHN LENNON, MOST NOTABLY, THE BEATLES.

"BIG PUSSY" GETS A SLAP ON THE WRIST, RUSSELL CROWE-STYLE.

That's it, ya bums. Go do something constructive, like visiting our friends on the right or reviewing some movies for us. Or at least commenting. Jeez.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-19 & 20-05

The weekend news! Just what you wanted!!

POTTER TO TOP $100 MILLION FOR THE WEEKEND.

MR. AND MRS. SPEARS DON'T WANT THEIR POST-PREGGERS PORNO GETTING OUT...DO YOU?

SPACE.COM, THE AUTHORITY ON...WELL...SPACE...PICKS THE TOP 10 SPACE MOVIES OF ALL TIME. THEY SHOULD KNOW. I GUESS.

GLITTER GETS ARRESTED IN VIETNAM. SOME COUNTRIES WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET IN THE NEWS AGAIN.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA GOT MARRIED THIS WEEKEND TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU.

POPE COMIC BOOK TAKES OVER THE BESTSELLER LIST, WITHOUT SO MUCH AS AN EXORCISM. SADLY, WE ALL KNOW HOW IT ENDS.

PROVING RETIREMENT SUITS HIM, DMX TO SPEND 70 DAYS IN JAIL, DASHING ALL HOPE OF SEQUEL TO "CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE"...FOR 70 MORE DAYS.

LOOKING FOR A DIFFERENT POSEIDEN FROM THE ONE THAT'S ON T.V. TONIGHT? CHECK OUT THESE JOURNALS ABOUT THE UPCOMING FILM STARRING DREYFUSS & RUSSELL.

RUSSELL CROWE GETS AWAY WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER. MUST BE NICE TO BE A DICK.

ROBERT BLAKE, ALREADY GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER, CATCHES THE O.J. DISEASE OF HAVING TO PAY $30 MILLION IN WRONGFUL DEATH MONEY.

IN A RELATED STORY, O.J. SEES ROBERT BLAKE CATCH IT, TOO. I THINK THEY SHOULD HANG OUT. DON'T YOU?

ANOTHER "GOOD IDEA FROM THE COURTS", A JUDGE HAS ALLOWED COURTNEY LOVE TO LEAVE REHAB. NO WORD YET ON WHETHER SHE'LL GO RIGHT BACK TO THROWING HER SHOES AT MADONNA OR GETTING NAKED FOR A DOLLAR.

That's it, folks. Saw "Walk The Line". Seeing "Potter" in about an hour. We'll have lots to discuss tomorrow.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

T.V. Life & Death

Here's the latest on the new t.v. shows for this season. This was posted by Warren Ellis on his site. Go there and read.

Commander in Chief: full season renewal.
Freddie: full season renewal.
Hot Properties: on the fence.
Invasion: full season renewal.
Night Stalker: canceled.

Close To Home: expected full season renewal.
Criminal Minds: full season renewal.
Ghost Whisperer: full season renewal.
How I Met Your Mother: full season renewal.
Out Of Practice: full season renewal.
Threshold: three additional scripts ordered.

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart: canceled.
E-Ring: full season renewal.
Inconceivable: canceled.
My Name Is Earl: full season renewal.
Surface: full season renewal.
Three Wishes: six additional episodes ordered.

Bones: full season renewal.
Head Cases: canceled.
Killer Instinct: three additional episodes ordered.
Kitchen Confidential: canceled.
Prison Break: full season renewal.
Reunion: on the fence.
The War at Home: full season renewal.

Everybody Hates Chris: full season renewal.
Love, Inc.: on the fence.
Sex, Love & Secrets: canceled.

Just Legal: canceled.
Related: six more episodes ordered.
Supernatural: full season renewal.
Twins: five more episodes ordered.

(Via Programming Insider & Warren Ellis

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss Of The Sheep

Compiled News 11-18-05

It's Friday!

Potter! Walk The Line! The Aryan Couple!

Go See A Movie After You've Read The News!

OH NO SHE DI'NT... TALAN, OF LITTLE OR NO FAME FROM "LAGUNA BEACH", IS GITTIN' HITCHED TO THE GREAT AMERICAN SONGBOOK'S DAUGHTER!

PARKER & STONE SNAG A 3-YEAR DEAL WITH PARAMOUNT, GIVING THEMSELVES EVEN MORE REASON TO HATE MAKING FEATURE FILMS.

NEED TO DISMEMBER A FOE? BUY THIS.

"WHITE NOISE 2" BEING PREPPED, MICHAEL KEATON'S GHOST TOUCHED MY PEPPY, STEVE.

ANIMATION CONTENDERS FOR OSCARS ARE RELEASED, STILL NO MENTION OF "FERNGULLY".

"THE PASSION OF THE CLERKS" IS WRAPPED, CHECK OUT THE DIARIES HERE, BEFORE YOU'RE CAUGHT IN THE TRAIN WRECK.

MISS THE "SUPERMAN RETURNS" TRAILER? HAVE NO FEAR, JOBLO IS HERE.

HAVE A GEEK THAT NEEDS A GIFT? CHECK OUT HIS STAR WARS COMIC COLLECTION, FANBOY.

TARANTINO OR NOT, HERE'S THE POSTER FOR A MOVIE THAT COULD VERY WELL SUCK THE MOON OUT OF THE SKY.

2 HUSTLE 2 FLOW... NOW THAT'S A GREEEEEAT IDEA.

SOME FOLKS DON'T WANT DVDS TO SMOKE.

GARY GLITTER BANGS VIETNAM.

PSYCHIC TELLS BRITNEY SHE WILL REMAIN PREGNANT. DON'T YOU HATE REMAINING PREGNANT AFTER YOU'VE HAD YOUR BABY AND PSYCHICS?

MISCHA BARTON'S NIPPLE IS THE NEW STAR OF THE O.C., HAS JUST AS MUCH TALENT AS ITS OWNER.

EVER WANTED TO SEE OZZY'S CRACK? GREAT NEWS!

JENNIFER BEALS HAS A BABY, READY TO CONTINUE FLASHDANCING.

IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP THINGS DOWN TO EARTH ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING, WE INVITE YOU TO LISTEN TO A WARNING MESSAGE FROM THAT GREAT AMERICAN, TRIUMPH - THE INSULT COMIC DOG.

THE PENGUINS ARE ALSO MARCHING ON OSCAR. MIND THE POOP.

ORLANDO BLOOM CAN'T COUNT.

Have a great weekend. Go get entertained.

E-MAIL. MAP. Comment. Sunny-Side Up.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-17-05

Good morning to you. It's time for the healthy news...

Don't worry, your kids will eat it.

"DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" FLASHER SAYS HE DIDN'T DO IT, MISSES HIS CONSCIENCE AND THAT FAT PAYCHECK.

IN RELATED NEWS, THEY'VE ALREADY FOUND OUT WHO THEY ARE GIVING THAT FAT PAYCHECK TO NEXT, IF HE KEEPS HIS BOXERS CLOSED.

SPEAKING OF BOXERS...A FANCY BRITISH HOTEL: $1,000. HANGING OUT WITH CELEBRITIES & BOXERS: $500. GETTING INTO A BIG FIST FIGHT AT A DINNER FOR MIKE TYSON: PRICELESS.

LOOKING FOR A HAT AND CANE FOR YOUR OLD TRAMP FATHER?

RALPH EDWARDS FINDS OUT "LIFE" AIN'T THE ONLY THING OVER.

THE PUNISHER IS TACKLING A DIFFERENT GAME.

MAKING SURE EDWARD JAMES OLMOS DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THE CONVENTION CIRCUIT FOR "MIAMI VICE", "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA" GETS A THIRD SEASON, CLEARLY PAVING THE WAY FOR OLMOS TO DO THE SCI-FI CIRCUIT INSTEAD.

QUINT AT AICN GETS DOWN AND DIRTY WITH EGON.

DANE COOK CONTINUES TO BE FUNNY WITHOUT OUR HELP.

"BLADES OF GLORY" -- WILL FARRELL, WILL ARNETT, AMY POEHLER, JON HEDER. PRODUCED BY BEN STILLER. COULD THERE BE A FUNNIER MOVIE ABOUT FIGURE SKATING?

"TREKKIES" NOT DO IT FOR YOU? TRY "RINGERS"! WITH CLIPS FROM JOBLO!

WANT MORE INFO ON THAT "HELLBOY ANIMATED" SERIES? WHY NOT READ THE GUY'S BLOG? WAIT..."BLOG"? PEOPLE STILL DO THAT? THAT'S SOOOO 2004.

MATTHEW MACOGNAGOGNEY IS YOUR SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. THAT'S WHAT THE "PEOPLE" SAY.

OPRAH WINFREY ADMITS MAKING MISTAKE. LUCKILY, IT DOESN'T INVOLVE PORN.

PROVING THAT HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO STAY IN THE NEWS AND THAT CHANGING COUNTRIES DOESN'T MAKE YOU SMARTER, MICHAEL JACKSON GETS CAUGHT PUTTING ON MAKEUP IN A WOMEN'S RESTROOM IN DUBAI.

That's it. Have a great Thursday. Go see a midnight showing of something.

CONTACT US.

JOIN THE MAP.

Leave a comment.

E-MAIL US A REVIEW.

Visit our friends on the right.

Close the door on your way out.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-16-05

Welcome to Wednesday. Two days 'til Walk The Line and Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire. There, I've planned your weekend.

Bring on the news?

NEED DIRECTIONS IN YOUR CAR? JUST ASK B.A. BARACUS, THE BANDIT OR VICTOR DRAZEN.

POINT YOUR GEEK ERECTIONS TOWARD HASBRO, WOULD YA?

EMPIRE GIVES YOU THE TOP 10 SUPERMONSTERS OF ALL TIME...CURIOUSLY ABSENT ARE YOUR BOSS AND YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.

AQUAMAN CASTING MIGHT BE DIFFICULT IF THE DON'T CAST SOME DOLPHINS TO TALK TO HIM.

AN OLD POSTER FOR AN OLD MOVIE GETS SOLD FOR A LOT OF NEW MONEY.

HERE'S A CRAPLOAD OF NEWS FROM OUR FRIENDS AT DARK HORIZONS. NO JOKE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT 'TIL FEBRUARY TO FIND OUT JUST HOW BAD X3 MIGHT BE.

'V FOR VENDETTA' POSTERS ARE EVERYWHERE! FREEDOM!! FOREVER!!!

JOBLO HAS ALL THE UPCOMING DVD NEWS YOU WANT TO READ IN ONE SITTING.

MAKE NO FORGETTING OF DE "SUPERMAN RETURNS" TRAILER ON "SMALLVILLE" TOMORRA NIGHT.

OLD MAN JOLIE IS BANGIN' MICHAEL JACKSON.

HARRY POTTER IS A WISE YOUNG MAN AFTER ALL.

URBAN GANGSTER AND QUEEN WOMACK WIN STATUES ON AWARDS SHOW THAT YOU DIDN'T WATCH, SINCE WE TOLD YOU TO WATCH BONES, SUPERNATURAL AND LAW & ORDER: SVU.

That's it. Send money, reviews and love letters to us HERE.

Join the MAP.

Wipe your bottom.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-15-05

Super Tuesday here on The Sheep.

Ready for some news? I figured so...

KOLCHAK GETS CANNED AFTER NINE EPISODES, DARREN MCGAVIN GIGGLES LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.

GAY COWBOYS PREPARE TO RIDE THROUGH HOLLYWOOD, ANG LEE CROUCHES & HIDES WITH THE HULK.

JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, MORE CRAP MOVIES ARE ON THE WAY!

HARRY POTTER PREPARES TO KICK IMAX'S ASS TOO.

"PRIDE & PREJUDICE" KISS SENDS AUSTEN SOCIETY INTO ORBIT...IN OTHER NEWS, JANE AUSTEN HAS A WHOLE FRICKIN' SOCIETY.

VAL KILMER LIKES TO KISS DUDES.

BECAUSE IT WORKED SO WELL FOR "FIREFLY", FANS OF "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" ARE PETITIONING FOR ITS RETURN.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU AND YOUR GOOD TASTE, KEANU COULD BE SINBAD.

DENIRO GOES BACK TO THE MAFIA, ADDING A POSSIBILITY OF MAKING HIS FIRST GOOD MOVIE IN TEN YEARS.

IN OTHER "MOVIES THAT DIDN'T NEED TO EVER BE MADE" NEWS, HERE ARE SOME PICS FROM "BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK ADDICTION".

BECAUSE RUSSIANS ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN AMERICANS, HERE ARE THE TWO ONE-SHEETS THAT THEY GOT FOR "KING KONG".

RAPPER 50 CENT TO RELEASE "STREET FICTION" BOOKS, PRAYS SOMEONE WILL READ ALL THE "GOOD ONES" TO HIM BEFORE BED.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO LIVE IN A CAVE, HERE'S THE NBC BREAKDOWN OF HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS FOR YOU TO ENJOY.

BROOKE BURNS CAN'T SWIM AFTER ALL.

SCOTTY FINALLY REALLY GOES TO SPACE.

ELTON JOHN BRINGS BIG GAY PIANO TO T.V., VEGAS SHOCKED AND APPALLED.

PROVING WHAT WE ALL ALREADY KNEW, GQ FINALLY ADMITS THAT JENNIFER ANISTON HAS A DICK.

That's it, folks.

Watch BONES, SUPERNATURAL & LAW & ORDER: SVU tonight. It's your duty as Americans. That way, while you're watching it, you can say... "Awww... Constable Kreegal and I are doing the exact same thing right now...Coochie Coochie Coo." Or something like that.

E-MAIL.

JOIN THE MAP (that means YOU, you Culver City, CA and Charleston, WV people).

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-12 & 13 & 14-05

Not a single thing happened over the weekend, that you didn't already know. Trust us. We know these things.

So on with the news...

AQUAMAN TO GET HIS OWN SHOW ON THE WB, SUBMARINER SHARPENS HARPOON.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NIC CAGE HAS SEX WITH AN ASIAN WOMAN 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HE IS.

WITH "BREACH", THE F.B.I. WILL BE IN GOOD HANDS.

BLADE T.V. SHOW FILLS OUT ITS CAST, CONTINUES TO BE BAD IDEA.

"DA VINCI CODE" TRAILER TO BE WITH "KING KONG"... LIKE ANYBODY WILL SEE THAT TRIPE.

CELEBRITIES SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO NAME THEIR OWN CHILDREN.

MARTHA STEWART'S "APPRENTICE" GETS FIRED, DONALD TRUMP BARELY NOTICES, STILL THOUGHT SHE WAS IN PRISON.

ALI G READY TO BE SUED BY ENTIRE COUNTRY.

IN WHAT IS SIMPLY A SAD ATTEMPT AT GETTING AMERICANS TO LIKE HIM, RUSSELL "FIGHTIN' & SAILIN' AROUND THE WORLD" CROWE BEGINS FIGHTING CRIME.

BRUCE WILLIS HATES TERRORISTS.

EDDIE GUERRERO, PRO WRESTLER, IS DEAD AT 38, BUT AT LEAST HIS TEETH WERE CLEAN.

BRANNON BRAGA SAYS HE'S DONE WITH STAR TREK, KINDA LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS.

PROVING IN NO WAY A REFLEXTION OF GANG VIOLENCE, BUT RATHER JUST HOW BAD THE MOVIE MUST BE, PEOPLE START SHOOTING EACH OTHER AFTER 50 CENT'S MOVIE. (OR: ADD YOUR OWN STEREOTYPE HERE.)

IN OTHER STAR TREK RELATED NEWS, HERE'S THE NEXT GENERATION BY DR. SEUSS. (IMPLY THE RHYME, WOULD YOU?)

TOP 10 GIRL ON GIRL KISSES.

TOP 10 DUDE ON DUDE KISSES.

ANGELINA JOLIE COULD BE THE NEXT "BOND" GIRL, BUT ONLY IF JENNIFER ANISTON IS BOND.

MARTIN SCORSESE TRIES TO LOCK DOWN ANOTHER HALF-ASS MOVIE HE'S WANTED TO MAKE FOR A DECADE.

AOL & WB TO OFFER SHOWS ON DEMAND, STILL HAVE SHITTY CUSTOMER SERVICE.

"DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" GETTING MORE AND MORE DESPERATE.

SPRINGSTEEN ON "BORN TO RUN". NOBODY IS THE BOSS LIKE THE BOSS.

MCCARTNEY PLAYS SPACE STATION, ALIEN SING-ALONG ENSUES.


"SWIMFAN" SCREENWRITER PENS L.L. COOL J. THRILLER. (SORRY FOLKS, WE COULDN'T THINK OF A FUNNIER TITLE THAN THAT).

That's it. You're all caught up now. Did you see any movies over the weekend? Here a good CD? Read a good book? Watch a good t.v. show? No?

Great. But if you DID, then E-MAIL us, and we'll post it.

JOIN THE SHEEP MAP.

Smackin' it up, flippin' it and rubbbin' it down,

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-11-05

Everybody's workin' for the weekend.....

But first... the news:

IN A TERRIBLE BLOW TO CINEMA & THE HALLOWEEN FRANCHISE, MOUSTAPHA AKKAD AND HIS DAUGHTER ARE KILLED IN JORDAN BY PIECE OF SHIT COWARDS.

AND IN A RELATED STORY, AFTER THIS SEASON, "7TH HEAVEN" GOES TO BE WITH THE LORD.

"ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT", THE BEST SHOW NOBODY WATCHES, IS ONCE AGAIN NEARING COMPLETE SHUTDOWN.

CONAN O'BRIAN'S WIFE FINALLY DROPS AN HEIR TO THE THRONE.

PEOPLE'S CHOICE NOMINATIONS ARE OUT, AND THE PEOPLE PROVE ONCE AGAIN THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

SPIELBERG SPEAKS AT USC TO CONTINUE WAGGING THE INDY JONES 4 DOG AND OTHER CRAP.

THE NEW "DOCTOR WHO" CYLONS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE BBC.

GODZILLA FOUND IN A PLACE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN, MATTHEW BRODERICK TURNS OFF HIS PAGER.

GREEN DAY MAKING AN "AMERICAN IDIOT" FILM, NOT SURE IF STIFLER'S MOM OR BAND CAMP WILL BE INVOLVED.

"ROADHOUSE 2" NOT TO HAVE SWAYZE, BUT PROBABLY WILL CONTINUE THE VICIOUS MASTURBATING BOUNCER CYCLE.

JOHNNY DEPP DEFENDS KATE MOSS... YOU KNOW... IN CASE HE WANTS TO HIT THAT AGAIN SOMETIME.

SEAN CONNERY HONORED BY AFI, BANGED THEIR MOTHERS LAST NIGHT, TRABEK.

LEMUR NAMED AFTER CLEESE, STILL NO WORD ON EX-PARROTS WITH BEAUTIFUL PLUMMAGE.

KATHY CASH, NOT FAMOUS, GETS MAD AT "WALK THE LINE" TO GET HER 15 MINUTES.

DANIELLE STEEL SELLS RIGHTS TO 30 OF HER BOOKS FOR DIRECT TO DVD & T.V. MOVIES, PROVING THAT BEING A HACK ALWAYS PAYS OFF.

THE UGLIER SIMPSON SISTER CAN'T FIND A CELEBRITY WHO WILL TAKE HER.

Have a great weekend.

Send us an E-MAIL.

Join the SHEEP MAP.

Leave a COMMENT.

Visit our friends on the RIGHT.

REFRESH.

RINSE.

REPEAT.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-10-05

Slap that baby, make him free!

News is as follows:

BOND, RA'S & MORTICIA TO MAKE WESTERN, OBVIOUSLY FULL OF FOREIGNERS.

JOSS WHEDON RAMBLES.

SHARON STONE WRITES HURRICANE KATRINA SONG, FINDS OUT IT'S HARD TO RHYME A WORD LIKE "VAGINA"...KEVIN KLINE KINDA....NORTH CAROLINA...

TERMINATOR T.V.? NO ROBOT KILLING SPREES? WHAT'S THE POINT?

SINCE YOU AREN'T VERY SMART, PREMIERE MAGAZINE HAS PICKED THE 50 GREATEST MOVIE STARS OF ALL TIME, AND YES... DON'T WORRY... WILL SMITH MADE THE LIST.

I PREDICT DR. DOOM WILL DRIVE POORLY.

RYAN REYNOLDS HAS MORE MOVIES THAN YOU DO COMING IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS.

COULD ORSON WELLES BE "TWO-FACE"? THAT WOULD BE COOL. NO IT WOULDN'T! YES IT WOULD! FLIP A COIN!!

IN OTHER NEWS, ANOTHER FILM WE DESPERATELY NEEDED A SEQUEL TO, "BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM 2: PUBERTY".

JESSICA ALBA STOPS HAVING SEX FOR MONEY LONG ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT BEING A "WHORE".

MADONNA FINDS FAME TIRING, LUCKY SHE HASN'T BEEN FAMOUS FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

CHUCK BERRY, TIRED OF BEING POOR, SUES KARAOKE PEOPLE.

RAPPER BEANIE SIGEL IS THROWN IN JAIL, NEXT ALBUM TO BE MORE TENDER IN THE ASS PARTS.

SHERYL CROW FINDS SOMETHING THAT SUCKS MORE THAN HER MUSIC.

That hurts. And we're done.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

The Fug

Continuing my tirade against crap movies, after I saw A History Of Violence, I thought I would check out The Fog, since it was only $2 and John T. Chance still produced it. Sure glad I did that.

I LOVE JOHN CARPENTER MOVIES. EVEN THE BAD ONES.

Now you know where I stand.

The original film upon which this one was loosely based scared the piss out of me when I was a kid. Just like the original Halloween, with my father telling me the Boogeyman was real. Thanks, Pop.

It told a solid little story about people getting punished for the sins of their fathers. Good for them. Hal Holbrook was awesome. Adrienne Barbeau was awesome. Jamie Lee Curtis was awesome, if random.

This new version is NOT awesome.

I understand that there are no new ideas in Hollywood. I live here. It just troubles me that if you make a movie based on another movie, your new movie should improve on the crap effects the original had, and maintain an homage quality.

Instead, what we get are dumbed down plots and romances thrown in because the ghosts have to have more of a reason to do what they're doing? Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?!?

Selma Blair, in the Barbeau role, is useless. She's not even in the film much, and has absolutely no air of nobility or sexuality. She's a kid with a kid, and who gives a shit?

Tom Welling did an OK job for a pretty-boy sailor who gets to bag every girl in town. And Maggie Grace...well...Maggie Grace is just another pretty face to soil the quality of what this entire film was based upon. If it wasn't for her "character", I wouldn't be nearly as mad about this film.

In the original, a kid finds a plank of wood, and thus begins the mystery. In this, everybody is finding trinkets and hairbrushes and ghostly used condoms and whatever. It's worthless.

The filmmakers were very fond of their CGI, and it looked OK, but the old comment of "things are scarier if you don't know what they are" always holds true. I don't want to see life on the boat. I don't want to see all the lovely faces of the plague-ridden passengers. I don't want to see "guy with cane" waltzing around in place of "shadow of guy with hook for a hand".

AND I WANT THE ENDING OF THE ORIGINAL BACK. I don't want to feel good for the bad guys. I already do, because they got dicked over. I don't want reuniting of lost love and other Shakespearean bullshit. This is a GHOST STORY. TRY TO SCARE ME!

There aren't even any cheap scares.

The smell of this movie still lingers in my clothes. SuperTide with SuperBleach isn't going to help me. Much like the remake of Amityville, if you've never seen the original, unfortunately, people will probably think this isn't terrible.

But it is.

THE DIRECTOR, Rupert Wainwright, DIRECTED M.C. HAMMER VIDEOS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Just knowing that is the scariest thing about the film. If they had just broken into "2 Legit 2 Quit" at some point, I would have shut my filthy mouth!

However, it's better than A History of Violence, but it only gets a 3 out of 10 Sheep. That is a lot of missing sheep. Maybe they got lost in the fug of the fog.

Still stinking,

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Comics

Yeah, yeah... we know... we've been slipping on the comics front, but guess what? That's all over now. Here are all the links you need for a nice rainy day of reading about comics.

If we missed any important ones, leave a comment or send us an E-MAIL with the link to the site. In the meantime, here are the important ones...

MARVEL COMICS

D.C. COMICS

IMAGE COMICS

DARK HORSE COMICS

AVATAR PRESS

TOP COW

PULSE

COMIC BOOK RESOURCES

SUPERHERO HYPE!

That's a good start, we believe. As usual, these will be added to the sidebar on the right for future use, so we can continue to be your online link to the rest of the entertainment world. Now make us your homepage, would ya?

Go read something.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-9--05

Once again, it's raining in California... I thought this place was climate controlled.

E-MAIL us. Join THE SHEEP MAP. Leave a comment. Refresh. Click on our friends.

Here's the news...

"DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" FUGITIVE KICKED OFF SHOW, HIGH-FIVES MARTIN LAWRENCE.

CBS TO GET MORE "SURVIVOR", CLEARLY THE ONLY T.V. SHOW WITH THE BALLS TO ABANDON A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ON AN ISLAND FOREVER, AMERICA WISHES IT COULD CHOOSE THE PEOPLE.

"THE WEATHER CHANNEL" DECIDES THE WEATHER ISN'T FUNNY ENOUGH, HIRE LEWIS BLACK.

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS HAS A TINY DICK, TERRIBLE TENNIS PLAYERS DON'T SEEM TO MIND.

CAMERON CROWE IS CHANGING HIS BUSINESS...THE ONION KNOWS...

THINK YOU KNOW "OFFICE SPACE"? TAKE THIS QUIZ AND FEEL STUPID, OR JUST WATCH SOME BREAST EXAMS ON T.V.

MEL BROOKS TELLS THE L.A. TIMES WHY HE'S STILL FUNNIER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.

HOWARD STERN SUSPENDED FOR TALKING UP SIRIUS RADIO, INFINITY DECIDES TO MAKE HIM EVER MORE STUPIDLY POPULAR THAN HE ALREADY IS. GOOD WORK, JACKASSES.

NEW "BOURNE" FILM FINALLY GETTING MADE, POSSIBLY ALLOWING JOAN ALLEN TO PAY THE RENT.

IN ANOTHER STROKE OF SARCASTIC GENIUS, HOLLYWOOD TO TACKLE REMAKING "ROBOCOP", BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING ELSE HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE.

TEACHER LIKES "SNAPE" FROM "POTTER" AS TEACHER ROLE-MODEL, OBVIOUSLY CAN'T READ.

LETO AND LOHAN TO MARRY? PLACE BETS ON HOW MANY ULTRA-THIN, CRACKED-OUT, LIGHTLY BEARDED BABIES SHE'LL POP OUT.

KIRSTIE ALLEY NO LONGER "FAT ACTRESS", STILL FAT.

That's it. Take a break. Hide from your boss. Live a little.

I'll be back with another hate-fueled movie review a little later today, and maybe some comics. Suckers.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

A History Of Poo

I generally write reviews on films that haven't come out yet, but a particularly overcast Saturday last week, I decided to go to our mostly Hispanic $2 theater to catch up on some movies.

There were a lot to choose from, so, in hindsight, I chose trash.

I saw A History Of Violence, starring Viggo "not carrying a sword" Mortensen and Maria "I'll take my clothes off for $1 and some blow" Bello, first.

If you haven't seen this film yet, do yourself a favor and re-watch any movie you hate... twice... and you'll be there.

This film is not only poorly shot, directed and edited, but the acting ain't that great either.

This "art film" is three movies in one, and they're all bad. It's like Scorsese made another, shorter Gangs of New York, only without so many screaming actors.

The first half of the film, where you wonder if Viggo is really this guy they keep saying he is, is pretty good. Could he be?!? Can it be true?!?

Then the second half is just Cronenberg remembering how he likes to have people killed obnoxiously, and it completely destroys any building structure he might have had.

The third "movie" in this is the story of the son. He is a good kid. He gets picked on. He snaps. Several times. Does he learn anything? What the HELL IS GOING ON?!?

There, now you know the movie. It moves from decent thriller to going-nowhere subplot to ridiculous climax in about an hour and a half. The editing was choppy and slow, the direction was mind-numbingly boring, and there is a scene of arguable rape that leads to nothing but making me hate the characters even more.

When I walked out of the film, I tried to like it. I tried to talk myself into believing that it was a taut little thriller about knowing those you love and what you might do for your family, if you have to, even if it means reverting back to something you aren't anymore.

But it's not.

It's a slapped together movie about giving Viggo a gun and having him kill people. We never learn anything about his past, really, nor do we learn about what his family thinks. He just does stuff and there are awkward silences and blood.

These critics that rave about this film are all idiots, and I'm not afraid to say so. Just because it has violence, nudity and Ed Harris, doesn't make it good. By the end of the film, it's just silly, and people in the whopping 20-person audience were laughing out loud or talking at full volume to each other, and I'm pretty sure most of them didn't even speak English.

I'll never believe Viggo is a hardass without a horse or a sword, just like I'll never believe Orlando Bloom is a leading man. It's the curse of the Ring.

William Hurt, you are the worst shot I have ever seen. To miss a man with an automatic pistol five times from a yard away is insane. No wonder other actors laugh at you. Shame on you.

Cronenberg, I like some of your stuff. But you're not fooling me with this slapdash piece of bullshit. You may be able to fool quite a few folks with this steaming pile, but not me, friend. I'll always know the truth.

So yeah, the movie sucks. 2 out of 10 sheep. Even Daredevil got a 3. Don't get any on your shoes.

Worst comic book movie EVER. (Yes, I know it was based on a graphic novel. Maybe if I had that $2 back, I'd spend it on the paper version) Super Mario Brothers and Double Dragon are FAR superior films. Seriously.

I'll be back tomorrow with a review of the other movie that stole $2 and 2 hours from me.

Disagree? Leave a comment or live with the fact that I'm always right.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-8-05

The 2nd Tuesday in November brings us... news.

E-MAIL us. Comment. Refresh. Join the MAP. Blow your nose.

"CASTLEVANIA" GOES TO DIMENSION, ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER THIRD RATE HORROR / VIDEO GAME MOVIE.

ROMERO TO DO "BUICK", DRIVE AWAY WITH STEPHEN KING AND SPEND ALL OF THEIR MONEY ON ZOMBIES.

SEVERAL ACTORS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT HAVE SIGNED UP TO DO MOVIES YOU WON'T WATCH.

WILL SMITH TO PLAY ANGRY, WHITE, ONE-EYED LEADER OF S.H.I.E.L.D.?

INDY 4 STILL NEVER HAPPENING, DUE TO THE WRITING TALENTS OF GEORGE LUCAS. THANKS.

HARRY POTTER STAR WANTS TO BE JESUS.

ROBIN WILLIAMS, REALIZING HE'S TOO BROKE TO BUY MORE CRANK, WANTS TO DO "MRS. DOUBTFIRE 2".

CHRIS KLEIN STILL TAKES HIGH ROAD OVER CRAZY, KNOCKED-UP EX-GIRLFRIEND.

HAVE DIRCTV? MISS A SHOW YOU LIKE? PAY TO HAVE IT REPLAYED! BECAUSE DOWNLOADING FREE TELEVISION IS BAD! BAD I SAY! EVEN IF THE SHOWS ARE ALREADY ON THE FREE CHANNELS! BAD!

KATE HUDSON IS NOT A FAT-ASS.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON BLOWN INTO THE SKY BY JOHNNY DEPP WORTH A DOCUMENTARY. PRETTY SURE HUNTER WOULD'VE HATED THAT.

KENNY CHESNEY PUSHES BOUNDRIES...I DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS.

KATE MOSS HAS FINALLY GONE BACK TO WORK, OFF THE SANDWICHES, BACK ON THE CRACK.

That's it folks. Have a good one. Watch Bones, Supernatural and Law & Order SVU tonight. You're welcome, ahead of time.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Extra News 11-7-05

I just couldn't pass up these nuggets of idiocy.

NIC CAGE IS AN IDIOT.

SHAR JACKSON, BRITNEY SPEARS & KEVIN FEDERLINE ARE ALL IDIOTS.

See what I mean?

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-7-05

Another week gone in November, still more news.

E-MAIL us. Put your name on THE MAP. Leave a comment. Do SOMETHING.

BRUCE CAMPBELL TO PLAY HIMSELF, THIS TIME STEALING HIS OWN SCREEN TIME IN NEW FILM.

REMEMBER "STICKY FINGAZ"? WELL, NOW HE'S WESLEY SNIPES. ALWAYS BET ON BLADE.

SCARLETT IS AN AMAZON, STILL SCROGS GUYS IN ELEVATORS.

GUY TALKS ABOUT STAR WARS SHOW, WANTING TO MAKE FEATURES FOR UNDER $10 MILLION AND OTHER SCIENCE FICTION.

JOBLO DOES FANBOYS.

SUPERMAN AND SHYAMALAN TRAILER IN FRONT OF POTTER, OLD DUDES KILL KIDS FOR TICKETS.

IN AN EFFORT TO STEAL ALL MY MONEY, THEY ARE MAKING A "DARK CITY" DIRECTOR'S CUT.

DEAR BROWNCOATS, HERE'S WHAT THE SERENITY DVD WILL LOOK LIKE, AND NO, THERE STILL WON'T BE A SEQUEL.

SAW III IS GOING TO BE MADE, NOT GOING TO BE CALLED "FREDDY VS. JIGSAW".

CRUISE DUMPS SISTER DOWN TO CHARITIES, WONDERS IF HE STILL HAS ALL THE RIGHT MOVES.

ON THE HEELS OF NOT HAVING A CAREER, SHAWN COLVIN DECIDES TO TELL PEOPLE THAT SHE CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE, STILL NOT MAKING GOOD MUSIC.

FAKE DEBATE SPARKS REAL PEOPLE TRYING TO DECIDE WHO WILL WIN FAKE PRESIDENCY, GEORGE W. WONDERING WHY HE WASN'T INVITED.

DEAR AMERICA, THERE ARE ONLY 6,000 PEOPLE IN THE ACADEMY, VOTING FOR YOUR OSCARS, AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS PISSED ABOUT WHO WINS?

There you have it. Do something about it.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-5 & 6-05

Weekend news, just in time for you to go to sleep.

LOWELL IS THE SANDMAN! WITH A PIC FROM AIN'T IT COOL!

ANNE HATHAWAY TO PLAY JANE AUSTEN, GLAD SHE TOOK OFF HER CLOTHES FOR DIRECT TO DVD DRUG MOVIE, CONVIENIENTLY LEFT OUT OF HER PRINCESS DIARY.

A THIRD "RESIDENT EVIL" IS ON THE WAY, NO WORD AS TO HOW TERRIBLE IT WILL BE.

CONTINUING HIS BID FOR OSCAR, PHOENIX STILL PLUGGING "WALK THE LINE".

KILMER TO BE A RUSSIAN, LIVE IN A CAVE WITH THE BROWN BUNNY.

"HELLBOY" CARTOONS COMING TO KICK YOUR T.V.'S ASS, THEN YOUR DVD PLAYER'S.

ALEC BALDWIN TO STICK IT TO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR, WHICH ISN'T WEIRD OR CREEPY, RIGHT?

THE SKY WAS FALLING, BUT "CHICKEN LITTLE" AND THE MARINES STILL CAN'T SAVE THE TERRORIZED HOLLYWOOD BOX OFFICE.

"HARRY POTTER" CAST ATTENDS PREMIERE IN A COUNTRY OTHER THAN YOUR OWN, VOLDEMORT STILL TRYING TO BUY HOUSE IN TOLEDO FOR HIS PREGNANT WIFE.

PHIL COLLINS SAYS HE WOULDN'T MIND A "GENESIS" REUNION, DOESN'T BOTHER TO ASK GENERAL POPULATION OF EARTH, BROTHER BEAR OR TARZAN.

WANT TO GO TO YALE GRAD SCHOOL FOR MUSIC? WHY NOT? IT'S FREE!

That's it. Tune in tomorrow, when nothing new is happening, and we're all just buying time until Potter, Walk The Line and Rent come out.

EMAIL us.

Join the SHEEP MAP.

Don't eat yellow snow.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-4-05

It's Friday. I hope you got a paycheck, 'cause this news is EXPENSIVE.

MOVIES CUT TO SONGS, CELLULOID SHEEP SAD THEY DIDN'T THINK OF IT.

HOPKINS AND GOSLING TO MAKE "FRACTURED", WHEN THEY AREN'T EMOTING.

WARNER TO MAKE ANOTHER HUGE MISTAKE, PECKINPAH TO RISE FROM THE DEAD, KICK ASS.

"COCKBLOCKER" TO BE A MOVIE TITLE, TAGLINE TO BE "DON'T LET YOUR COCK GET BLOCKED"... THEN GET RATED PG-13. I MADE THOSE LAST TWO THINGS UP BECAUSE I HATE SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

SPIKE LEE FINALLY DOES SOMETHING RIGHT.

THERE'S NOT A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL ON EARTH THAT CAN GET R. KELLY OUT OF THE FRICKIN' CLOSET.

FAMOUS LESBIANS TRY TO BASTE A BABY.

JESSICA ALBA RENTS PORN, GIVES DUDES ANOTHER REASON TO PHOTOSHOP HER NAKED ON THE INTERNET.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DVDS.

BEN STILLER HATES THE PART OF CANADA THAT I'VE BEEN TO, IS STILL A ONE-TRICK PONY.

BOB SAGAT HATES PENGUINS.

YOKO ONO REALIZES THAT SHE BETTER SHUT HER BITCH MOUTH.

"THE DAILY SHOW" RUINS LIVES.

WB'S "SUPERNATURAL" HAS A PLOT, WE PROMISE.

MR. BRITNEY SPEARS SUCKS AT RAPPING TOO.

That's it for now, folks. Have a great weekend. See some movies. Watch some t.v. Do something fun. E-MAIL us. Put your name on the SHEEP MAP. Don't go out in public wearing that shirt. You know the one.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-3-05

It's just another manic Thursday, OH-ooh-OH...

Here's the news:

PEOPLE CONTINUE TO PAY OLIVER STONE TO MAKE UP LIES ABOUT HISTORY.

DEF LEPPARD TURNS 25, DRUMMER STILL CAN'T CLAP.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO IS TOSSING YOUR SALAD.

TYRA BANKS GAINS 350 POUNDS, DOESN'T TAKE FAT PEOPLE...UH....LIGHTLY.

JACKASS SEQUEL IN THE WORKS, PROVING AGAIN THAT HOLLYWOOD MAKES SHITTY MOVIES.

ADAM BALDWIN TO MAKE VAMPIRE MOVIE, CAN'T FIND THE HAT HIS MOM MADE HIM.

PAUL WS ANDERSON TO PUT A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART OF "CASTLEVANIA".

PRETTY JARED LETO TO PLAY FAT GUY KILLER OF JOHN LENNON, MAKE BAD MOVIE.

"BORGIA" MOVIE GETS PRETTY PEOPLE, TOO, STABS US IN THE BACK.

"IRON MAN" ROCKETS BACK TO MARVEL WITH HIS HELMET BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

HAROLD RAMIS WAXES PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT HIS FILMS AND THE NEVER-GONNA-HAPPEN GHOSTBUSTERS 3.

TALENTLESS COMEDIAN DROPS ONE OF HIS FAR TOO MANY MEDIOCRE SHOWS.

KIM CATRALL CONTINUES TO FLAUNT HER HAM SANDWICH.

And on that note, I think we're done.

EMAIL us.

JOIN THE MAP.

Drink Crystal Pepsi.

Oh great... you've already ruined that one for everybody.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-2-05

You've made it to the second day of November, and you still haven't taken your Halloween decorations down have you? HAVE YOU?!? Well, put it off another few minutes and read the news.

FX DUMPS "OVER THERE", EVEN THOUGH REAL "OVER THERE" STILL HAPPENING OVER THERE. (OR: "OVER THERE" CAN'T COMPETE WITH ITS BIGGEST COMPETITOR, THE NEWS).

CHILDREN'S FILMS ARE MORE VIOLENT NOW THAN EVER, WILEY COYOTE BEGS TO DIFFER, ROADRUNNER WINS....AGAIN.

CHRISTIAN SLATER FALLS OFF OF ROOF, STILL NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE.

13-YEAR-OLD KID GIVES "MYSPACE" SOME MUCH NEEDED FREE ADVERTISING.

YAHOO HAS PICS FROM "SILENT HILL", ZOMBIE MONSTERS PAID SCALE.

BATEMAN TO HAVE THROAT SURGERY, SUCK LESS.

GREAT. JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDED, ANOTHER 1/2 AUSTRALIAN, GAY COWBOY.

CHUD FOLLOWS THE SHEEP AND GETS THEIR OWN MAP, SO NOW THERE IS NO EXCUSE NOT TO ADD YOURSELF TO BOTH!

DO YOU WORK FOR WARNER? YOU MIGHT WANT TO MAKE SURE.

LIVE "WEST WING" ON SUNDAY COULD BE BEST PERFORMANCE BY JIMMY SMITS SINCE "STAR WARS: EPISODE II"

STILL AN IDIOT, JESSICA SIMPSON WENT TO THERAPY INSTEAD OF SCHOOL, COULDN'T FIND CURE FOR HORSE FACE OR ASHLEE.

BATTLE OF THE OPINIONATED RAPPERS - 50 CENT VS. KANYE - WORLD REMINDS THEM TO DO THEIR JOBS AND SHUT UP.

WHOLE SLEW OF TALENTLESS HACKS TO "PERFORM" AT AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS.

That's it for today. Thanks for stopping by. I see we have folks from Canada, Culver City, Germany and Ohio. Keep coming back for more. Refresh. Leave a comment. Visit our friends on the right.

EMAIL us.

LEAVE YOUR MARK ON OUR MAP.

Have a good day. I'll be back with more sidebar sites later today.

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Michael Piller Dead At 57

The man who brought us Deep Space Nine, Voyager and The Dead Zone television series has passed away.

READ THE STORY AT TREKTODAY

Will The Dead Zone ever be back?

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep

Compiled News 11-1-05

Welcome To November. Another month, another dollar. Or something like that. TWO MONTHS 'TIL CHRISTMAS! If you're into that stuff.

ELMO TO KNOW YOUR NAME, EAT YOUR SOUL.

FAKE MUSEUM OF FAKE PEOPLE TO BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FOR REAL.

"DAY OF THE DEAD" REMAKE GETS A DIRECTOR OF MEDIOCRE PROPORTIONS.

WANT TO LOOK INSIDE "KING KONG"? NAH, IT'S NOT JUST MONKEY GUTS.

DAKOTA FANNING BETTER WATCH HER BACK.

KI-EFFER PUTS THE KYBOSH ON "PRISON BREAK".

GALLACTICA GOES FOR THREE, SNIPES IS A LIAR & SOMEONE ON "LOST" CAN WRITE.

SHYAMALAN HATES YOU AND YOUR DVDS.

THE ONLY THING MORE BORING THAN 6 HOURS OF FOLLOWING HEALTH WORKERS AROUND IS... BRAD PITT'S NARRATION. THANKS, PBS.

ADULT SWIM PICKS UP ANOTHER CARTOON FOR YOU TO SAY YOU WATCH SO YOU CAN LOOK COOL.

GABRIELLE UNION IS SINGLE AGAIN, BLAMES KOLCHAK. KOLCHAK SAD, AMERICA HAPPY.

NO SEQUEL FOR DYNAMITE MEANS LESS SHITTY CATCH-PHRASES IN THE FUTURE.

"SHE'S HEEEEEEEEEEEERE" AND HER LIPS ARE SEALED.

BET CELEBRATES 25 YEARS OF LOW PRODUCTION QUALITY AND UNFUNNY COMICS.

BALDWIN SAYS BASINGER IS NUTS, THE "TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE" DEFENSE IS IN PLAY.

There you have it. Enjoy another day of not doing what you want to do.

Check out the front page of JOBLO for all sorts of DVD releases, as well as the official holiday "gift packages" that are going to start becoming available.

GO OVER TO THE RIGHT AND JOIN OUR SHEEP MAP! SEND US AN E-MAIL! LEAVE A COMMENT! REFRESH! VISIT OUR FRIENDS! HAVE A GREAT 1ST OF NOVEMBER!

-Constable Kreegal
Big Boss of the Sheep